I realize I haven't updated most of you about anything that has happened since I started my heavier chemo. Let me tell you, I can't remember much of it, and I don't particularly care to think about it.
CHEMO SUCKS.
I didn't lose my hair, and I never threw up. I slept. A lot. And was nauseous. A lot. Nausea meds only pretend to help. My numbers continued to jump up and down and multiple times I "decided" I was done with chemo, I couldn't take it any more, and that we would just go ahead and try surgery. That never happened (probably for the best). I haven't had chemo in over two weeks--that's like a record! (thank you holidays and GRADUATION!)
Derek and I are now in Rexburg, and today I met my new doctor (#6 for this past year). He seems nice. But I bawled during our visit.
My last blood draw in Oregon was....get this....LESS THAN ONE! I got my blood drawn here in Rexburg the morning Derek and I left for Canada. When they called me to tell me my results they said it was negative. My heart sank because I thought they just did the positive/negative test and not the number test. No bueno. BUT then she said no, the number was LESS THAN ONE so it was too small for their machines to detect it. WOAH. Less than one for two weeks in a row...not bad.
[INSERT CHRISTMAS BREAK HERE...which was great!]
The other night I had a dream that my new doctor told me my levels shot up again and I wanted to cry.
I felt really nervous waiting for the doctor--I was all by myself and randomly felt like crying for some reason. before it even started. He asked lot of questions, trying to get my whole recent medical history figured out. We talked about my chicken pox (he confirmed I have them) and my very sore feet (which he said is due to my chicken pox). He also told me that if my blood is normal again today then I'll just have to get it checked every month for a year! WAHOO! Only once a month! That was exciting...but wait.... A year?
My heart stopped. He said "PLEASE don't get pregnant for a year." I was literally biting my lip and pinching myself to try to keep from crying. I had been told in the past that it was 3 months HARD LINE, but six months was REALLY suggested. A year? Seriously? I've already been waiting for 7 months and dealing with all this crap and now you tell me that? Well let's just say I've been a cry baby today. My feet hurt like there is no tomorrow and my body is driving me nuts. I'm hormonal. And then my lovely new doctor tells me this. And to top it off....I think he thinks I had a molar pregnancy...every other doctor I've had seemed nearly positive it wasn't that. But whatever. He is nice, and he's probably right, it's better to wait and be safe, than the alternative. I'm just cranky and he was the bearer of bad news. It's been a rough few days. I'm just ready to be done with it all.
Yesterday would have been my due date (approximately). I've been having a really tough time lately, seeing TONS of announcements, babies everyone and what not. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO SO happy for people. My human self just gets really jealous and heartbroken. I was just really hoping I would be able to get pregnant this year. Hopefully 2016 will be our year! Guess Derek and I are going to have to have some big adventures together in the mean time.
Thanks for all your guys' support. It's been a rough year with many challenges (and clearly I'm still cranky about some of them), but there have also been many beautiful moments that I'm very grateful for. Thanks for being concerned about me and being a part of my life. And for those of you reading who have babies and/or are pregnant...you better let me hold your babies...LOTS! Love you guys!
