The Moment We've All Been Waiting For....Drum Roll, Please

Most people who have a miscarriage are advised to wait to try for at least 3 months/cycles. I'll admit that I was pretty sad to hear that. Lately, it seems like I KEEP hearing about people who got pregnant MUCH quicker than the 3 month waiting period. (Jealous Kendra sometimes has a hard time with that). Here I am, 372 days after we found out we lost our baby, and I'm still "not allowed" to try.

As some of you may know, I had my MRI this past Tuesday. But, apparently I never blogged about my LAST MRI, so I guess I'll start there.

At the point of my last blog, we were still waiting to hear about my MRI results. I probably never wrote about what happened because I was so frustrated and hurt. Dr. Evans was out of town when I got the MRI, so we were waiting to hear from him when he got back into town. We kept trying to get a hold of his office, but things just weren't working out. One night, almost 3 weeks after the MRI, Derek and I had a long, late-night talk. We finally openly discussed how we were really feeling about the whole situation and we talked about how we really felt it was time for us to start trying and start our family. I can't tell you how good this conversation felt. It was literally like Christ, Derek, and I were sharing the yoke and together we could bear the load.

I called the office the next morning and to my surprise, things were finally working out. She said Dr. Evans wanted to meet with us and was SHOCKED that someone had cancelled and they could get us in on Monday (I think this was on a Friday). Derek and I were really wanting him to be at the appointment with me, but he had school and we weren't sure how things would work out. The lady on the phone told me the time, and I couldn't help but smiling that it perfectly fit into Derek's schedule. It felt like things were just falling into place and we were being blessed because we were relying on the Lord. Derek and I discussed how we were going to talk to Evans about our feelings and basically say, "Hey, we believe in God, we know you do, too. This is how we're feeling, what's your counsel, can we try?"

When we got to the doctor's office we literally waited for what felt like hours (and realistically probably was over an hour). When we were finally called back, Dr. Evans told us of how he had spoken with Dr. Gosewehr pretty extensively about this. My tumor/scar tissue had shrunk, but it wasn't gone. Either way I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. That's the LAST thing "we" want right now. He said it didn't really matter if it was the tumor or the scar tissue, but that they would check my blood every month, for 3 months, and then repeat the MRI.

Derek and I were honestly so dumbfounded and upset that neither of us really said anything. I probably cried the whole way home. I'll admit, I was probably very angry with God. I felt like all these things had been prompting us and hyping us up, only to have it ripped away from us. I was hurt. I was angry. I was sad.

Fast forward 3 month.

Given how long the process was with the last MRI, I wanted to speed things up, get my MRI scheduled early and already have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans so we weren't waiting 3 weeks again.

So, like I said, I had my 3-month MRI on Tuesday. Today we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans. All week Derek and I have really been trying not to get our hopes up. Wondering what bad news we were going to get; "It's grown," "nothing has changed," "it's shrunk a little, let's keep waiting 3 more months." Every possible solution had a frown on my face.

Okay, a small part of my hoped, begged, that it would be good news, but I just couldn't allow myself to feel the pain I had last time, so I quickly shut it out. We had been asking people to fast and pray for us, and as I sat in the room, waiting, I thought "why the heck do I keep telling so many people I'm having this stuff done? Now I'm going to have to tell everyone the bad news and be disappointed all over again." That's what I get for telling the world my story, I guess.

Waiting for the doctor feels like an eternity.

The nurse told me we were up next and my heart was racing. I would sit up straight, trying to be prepared, then slouch back down as I went through the scenarios in my head again. (talk about the roller coasters I put myself on). I felt like I was going to throw up. Or cry. Throw up and cry. (and let's just say I've been doing a lot of crying lately).

So, the knock on the door and the doctor walks in.

*deep breath* "I can do this, I can be strong," I think to myself.

"Well," Dr. Evans begins as I hold my breath, "the MRI looks fantastic!"

Again with the heart stopping. Had I heard that right? That wasn't one of my fathomable outcomes. *begin hyperventilation*

I'll be honest all I could think at this point was, "BABIEEEESSSS!!!!!"

But of course, I was getting ahead of myself.

He said he just got the results and hadn't had a chance to talk with Dr. Gosewehr yet (whom he greatly relies on, for which I am actually grateful, even though it's annoying to have to wait for that communication to happen). So he wanted to double check with him for what all we still needed to do. But, he said they'd check my blood and he wanted an ultrasound done within the next week. He also said that we may need to do a.....holy cow I must have been very distracted cuz I'm forgetting a lot of the names of things, but we might have to do this thing where they check the integrity of my uterine wall/lining. He wasn't sure if we'd need to, or if we'd just see how it holds up through pregnancy (which at the time seemed like "yeah, let's just get pregnant already," but now that I think about it, that sounds a little scary).

Anyway, that was pretty much all he said at that point. Then he starts dictating his report into his little recorder thing, he was saying the results of the MRI and mentioned two things that I remember thinking, "well what the heck is that? You didn't tell me that." But I don't know what exactly they were. I'd like to get my hands on that report and read it for myself. All I really care about though, is that I seem to be in the clear.

Anyway, I got my blood drawn and I went to schedule my ultrasound. Pregnancy, here I come!
Only, booooo. They can't fit me in until the 22nd, and of course, Dr. Evans will be out of town that week, so he can't get the results and talk with Dr. Gosewehr until he gets back. KILLING ME. Let's be honest, I'd like to start trying ASAP, soooo if we could get the results before I ovulate, that'd be great, thanks.

In the end, I almost cried, but not for the reasons I thought it'd be for. I almost cried because I was so elated.

I'm excited and happy, but also nervous and feel like it could still be a while before we can actually start trying, but hey. We're one step closer (even though every time we get one step closer, it seems 3 more steps are added), but I'm still grateful.

Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your fasting and your prayers. And for your support, from near and far. It means the world to me.

I don't know when we'll get pregnant, but please try not to ask me. I'm a bad liar and Derek and I aren't sure when we'll tell people given everything. But I promise that when we're ready to tell you, you'll know.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 
FIIIIIIIINAAAAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYY

Insanity

When I can't sleep 'til nearly 3, I write some good ol' poetry.


Insanity

A fear I’ve had since I was young—

one I hoped would never come.

This monster I had never seen,

but it still haunted my every dream.

One day I opened my closet door

and suddenly I heard a boisterous roar.

My heart stopped its rhythmic beat;

my cheeks were filled with a fiery heat.

I lay on the floor face to face

with a monster of the darkest race.

Dazed and afraid, chills invading my skin,

I continued my day with a counterfeit grin.

I did not tell a single soul

about my new found, secret troll.

Each day I’d timidly wake to meet

this pesky monster always at my feet.

Try as I may to just pretend,

he never left—this unwanted friend.

I learned to live like I’d moved on,

even though the monster was never gone.

My worst fear has engulfed my mind,

a way to escape it, I must find.

But all my ignoring has gone in vain,

until the moment I release my pain.

I claw and tear and scream and yell.

This is my very own terrible Hell.

And thought I cannot bid him leave,

to a different reality, I’ll continue to cleave.

Until the day when I am found,

by fear and pain, so tightly bound.

He’s overcome me; I have lost.

Into his eternal cage, I’m carelessly tossed.

Doctors Are Makin' Me Crazy

My last post was when I had just met my new oncologist--Dr. Hancock.

Let's just start out by saying my opinion of his has greatly diminished over the past few months.

It is now March and I'm getting cranky (even more) and SO INCREDIBLY ready to move past this all.

Well, after my initial meeting with Dr. Hancock, we were all kinda freaked out about waiting so long to get my blood checked again. I think I ended up waiting like 2 or 3 weeks and luckily my levels were still in the normal range. I kept trying to ask them about getting an ultrasound done. Dr. Gosewehr made it very clear that with this type of tumor, it can still be there even if my levels have normalized. The new doctor's office was terrible. They sucked at calling me back and I was getting really sick of it.

I was waiting to apply for jobs until I knew if I was going to have to do more chemo or what my situation was going to be, because I knew if I was still dealing with all of this, a job would be impractical. Finally around the end of January I figured (with Derek's prodding) that I should start applying for jobs. I applied for one, and got an interview the same day. In the mean time, Dr. Hancock's office had FINALLY gotten back to me and told me that before I had the ultrasound, he wanted to see me again. Which I thought was dumb. I think I had the meeting with him on a Monday.

Let me tell you, it was a stupid meeting and I was mad by the end of it. Basically he was like, "The reason we want to do an ultrasound is because sometimes weird things can happen with your veins/arteries when you heal from a tumor....kinda like varicose veins. They get all clumped together and whatnot. So we want to see if that's the case." I was like....okay? So what do we do if that's the case. He said we'd just watch it and see how it heals (I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing "we'll just watch it"). I thought it was weird, but then I brought up the point about how Gosewehr said I could still have the tumor and Dr. Hancock was like, "I think you're confused, because that isn't even possible." I was FUMING. Ummm...I think my GYN Oncologist would have a little better idea than you, dummy. I was just like whatever...I'll just see how the ultrasound goes. But I was feeling like Hancock didn't know what he was talking about and I was trusting his judgment less and less.

I had the interview Tuesday. Unfortunately my medical stuff came up and how I was having a doctor's appointment the next morning (my ultrasound) and I'd let him know how it went.

Wednesday I had my ultrasound. The tech and I were talking casually through the whole thing. She was really nice. She asked about my situation and seemed so surprised and really intrigued. "It's like something you read about in a book but never see! Kinda cool, well...probably not for you..." Haha. Anyway, I told her how I was nervous about what Dr. Hancock was saying and how it differed from my previous doctor. She also told me she couldn't see one of my ovaries. Which I thought was weird.. But I guess sometimes that happens. Anyway, after I got dressed and I went out, she was talking about trying to get previous images that I've had done and whatnot. Anyway, she told me (thank goodness for Idaho being so relaxed (one plus of Idaho) because this never would have happened in Oregon) that I should be really persistent with my doctor because there is definitely something still there, but they couldn't see if it had grown or shrunk or anything without the previous scans.

SO MAD. I cannot even explain to you how furious I was. Here, I had wasted another month of my life doing nothing because my stupid doctor was too arrogant and thought he HAD to be right, and nothing could possibly still be wrong. I pretty much immediately called my dad and told him I could not work with Dr. Hancock anymore. I don't care that he isn't as good as Dr. Gosewehr, but him not admitting that he doesn't know what he's talking about was killing me and I couldn't take it anymore. We were trying to figure out what options we had and basically we decided to wait to see what they said about the ultrasound and in the mean time I made sure everything was faxed to Gosewehr's office so they had all the information and I could talk to them about it.

When I FINALLY got to talk to someone at Hancock's office, she was like "Oh it's about 2cm, that's really tiny, probably not much to worry about." Are you freaking kidding me?! ANYTHING IN MY UTERUS THAT IS NOT A BABY IS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT! She said she'd have to try and get a hold of the doctor to see what he said about it. We waited. And waited. Derek got fed up and went to the office to get some answers. They were freaking closed. And they hadn't called me back. Those meanies. Finally a few hours later they call back and say, "He says it's just scar tissue and you can follow up with Dr. Evans (my obgyn) from here on out." I said you guys are dumb, you don't know what you're talking about (okay maybe I just thought that). And I'm going to try to see what my Oregon doctors say and then I'll decide if I want to work with Evans.

So, we had everything sent to Gosewehr's office. In the mean time, my dad and I were trying to see how we can get my case to Stanford Medical because our insurance works with them or something. I was feeling so distraught. Doctor Goswehr's office wasn't getting back to me, the Stanford people weren't getting in touch with my dad. I wasn't going to work with Hancock anymore, and I hadn't gotten in touch with Evan's yet. I felt like I was doctor-less (which had me really freaked out especially since I've been seeing doctors pretty consistently for the last year+). Turns out Hancock and Evans had consulted fairly extensively about me (or so they say) and felt like Evans would have a better idea of how to help me. I still felt like Hancock was just dumping me off and not wanting to deal with my case....But I was fine with not dealing with him!

Well, people started getting back to me all at once.  Evan's office wanting to follow up with me. Stanford people trying to figure out my case. Hancock's office (gag me) trying to make sure I'm following up with someone (probably just so they aren't liable, suuuure, now you care about my care). I felt like I went from no doctors, to too many doctors trying to deal with my case all in about 2 days.

Dr. Evans said he wanted to do his own ultrasound and get a look for himself. So I scheduled with him and had another ultrasound done. He also couldn't find one of my ovaries (has me more freaked out). He took some 3D images and said he'd be consulting with the GYN oncologist they work with from Salt Lake and see what she thinks. He said we had some options. We could take a biopsy of it to see what it is, we could wait and see how things develop/change (shoot me), we could try and get pregnant and see what happens, and probably more options I don't remember. But he get my blood checked and had wanted me to bring back my medical records so they could compare the new images.

When I brought them back I told my nurse I'd really appreciate it if they would send the results to Gosewehr and also if Evans would consult with him because I really trust his opinion. I guess they talked (I really wish I could hear the conversations between my doctors). Apparently they decided they wanted me to get another MRI. And Evans was going to do this different blood test as well. I guess it is Human Placental Lactogen which if high during pregnancy or something it can mean PSTT. But that dang test takes 2 weeks to get the results!

So I've had my blood tested about a week and a half ago. And had my MRI over a week ago. I'm still waiting on the results from both of those. I'm hoping to get a call today about the MRI.

These last two months have been really hard. The first month was okay, waiting on the doctor stuff and just having fun, relaxing. February was TOUGH. Having nothing to do is not all it's cracked up to be. I was getting really depressed and feeling like I was wasting my life away. I've been in a dark place. But, thanks to this, I've decided I'm going to try to go to Grad School, so I've signed up for the GRE, I've got some schools I'm looking at, and I'm applying for more and more jobs. Hopefully something to stick and help me to feel more fulfilled. For now it's just me and Jonah and some Mario Party 3 on the N64. #ineedalife

I've been dreaming about babies a lot. About having them, adopting them, loving them.

We can't decide what would be good news at this point. If I still have the tumor, maybe it's a good thing because I'm (once again) at the point that surgery seems like the next logical step since nothing else has worked. And maybe that would be good, maybe we could finally move on, and maybe we could get pregnant sooner. But things could also go very wrong with that scenario. If it's scar tissue, well it's good because it isn't a tumor... But we don't know how that would affect pregnancy, so it kinda scares me. And it could mean more waiting, which you all know how much I love that.

We're trying really hard to understand and follow God's will for us, even though it seems very hard to see at this point. We just keep praying for health and for guidance and that we'll be ready to bring a precious child into this world when the time comes. All I know is that I'm grateful for my Savior, because I've needed His strength a lot already this year, and I know I'm going to need it more and more as we move forward. I'm so blessed that He has helped me through my darkest moments, and that He's there with me in my brightest ones as well.

A Year I'll Never Forget

As the year has ended and we're starting a new year, I look back and I feel overwhelmed at this past year. As great as married life has been, this has been the hardest year of my life--starting out weighing 97 pounds from my dang bacterial infection, to getting pregnant and being overly excited yet throwing up all the time, to finding out I miscarried, to my D&C, too many blood checks to count, to 6 different doctors, to chemo, and more chemo, two moves, and lots of nausea and pain. 

I realize I haven't updated most of you about anything that has happened since I started my heavier chemo. Let me tell you, I can't remember much of it, and I don't particularly care to think about it. 

CHEMO SUCKS. 

I didn't lose my hair, and I never threw up. I slept. A lot. And was nauseous. A lot. Nausea meds only pretend to help. My numbers continued to jump up and down and multiple times I "decided" I was done with chemo, I couldn't take it any more, and that we would just go ahead and try surgery. That never happened (probably for the best). I haven't had chemo in over two weeks--that's like a record! (thank you holidays and GRADUATION!) 

Derek and I are now in Rexburg, and today I met my new doctor (#6 for this past year). He seems nice. But I bawled during our visit. 

My last blood draw in Oregon was....get this....LESS THAN ONE! I got my blood drawn here in Rexburg the morning Derek and I left for Canada. When they called me to tell me my results they said it was negative. My heart sank because I thought they just did the positive/negative test and not the number test. No bueno. BUT then she said no, the number was LESS THAN ONE so it was too small for their machines to detect it. WOAH. Less than one for two weeks in a row...not bad. 

[INSERT CHRISTMAS BREAK HERE...which was great!]

The other night I had a dream that my new doctor told me my levels shot up again and I wanted to cry.

I felt really nervous waiting for the doctor--I was all by myself and randomly felt like crying for some reason. before it even started. He asked lot of questions, trying to get my whole recent medical history figured out. We talked about my chicken pox (he confirmed I have them) and my very sore feet (which he said is due to my chicken pox). He also told me that if my blood is normal again today then I'll just have to get it checked every month for a year! WAHOO! Only once a month! That was exciting...but wait.... A year? 

My heart stopped. He said "PLEASE don't get pregnant for a year." I was literally biting my lip and pinching myself to try to keep from crying. I had been told in the past that it was 3 months HARD LINE, but six months was REALLY suggested. A year? Seriously? I've already been waiting for 7 months and dealing with all this crap and now you tell me that? Well let's just say I've been a cry baby today. My feet hurt like there is no tomorrow and my body is driving me nuts. I'm hormonal. And then my lovely new doctor tells me this. And to top it off....I think he thinks I had a molar pregnancy...every other doctor I've had seemed nearly positive it wasn't that. But whatever. He is nice, and he's probably right, it's better to wait and be safe, than the alternative. I'm just cranky and he was the bearer of bad news. It's been a rough few days. I'm just ready to be done with it all. 

Yesterday would have been my due date (approximately). I've been having a really tough time lately, seeing TONS of announcements, babies everyone and what not. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO SO happy for people. My human self just gets really jealous and heartbroken. I was just really hoping I would be able to get pregnant this year. Hopefully 2016 will be our year! Guess Derek and I are going to have to have some big adventures together in the mean time. 

Thanks for all your guys' support. It's been a rough year with many challenges (and clearly I'm still cranky about some of them), but there have also been many beautiful moments that I'm very grateful for. Thanks for being concerned about me and being a part of my life. And for those of you reading who have babies and/or are pregnant...you better let me hold your babies...LOTS! Love you guys! 

Heartbeats in the Night

The other night, I woke up from a random dream and I found myself really missing my little one growing within me. I lay in bed, sad, hurt, feeling alone, and wishing we could start trying again. I turned my head to the side and suddenly I could hear a faint heartbeat. It was probably my own, but in that quiet moment, it was a tender blessing helping me to feel the presence of my sweet child--the sound I'd long to hear many months ago when I heard silence. I don't know if I'll get to have that child with me after this life, and right know I don't need to know. But, it was enough to give me hope again and enough for me to know I will be a mother. I may not be one today, and I may not be one for some time; but I will be one.

Heartbeats in the Night

In the darkened night,
where hope shines no light,
and fear of a future day
creeps in my heart as I lay
in silence; alone and afraid.
My empty womb--betrayed.

Long months I've waited.
Cried tears and hated
knowing you wouldn't come home--
knowing I'd stay alone.
Our lifeless bodies: weak
for one kiss to your cheek.

Through the silence a faint sound
is heard; hope is found.
The rhythm of life I hear.
Your presence, kept near.
My child you are. Shine bright my star,
for Mommy is here, my dear.

Here Goes Nothin'

Today I had to doctor's appointment we've all been waiting to hear about.

Derek seems to have a magical power to make doctors take forever. We waited to see the doctor for about an hour. I didn't mind waiting too much since I got to be with my hubby.

TMI paragraph, skip if you don't want the gritty details
So on Saturday I started cramping and passing tissue/blood clots. Not only have I not had a period since March 30th, I'm not used to having so many big clots or whatever. I was starting to get a little worried, but it settled down, so I just figured I was starting my period.
Derek was excited that I was starting my period and said "it's the end of our troubles!" For some reason I just really felt (and even dreamed) for some reason it wouldn't matter.

Doctor Gosewehr met my hubby and jumped right in. He started drawing a uterus and explaining what the CT scan said. He said the good news is, it is only in the uterus and hasn't spread anywhere else (wooo). Basically none of the explanation was new to me. He said there is this tissue that is in the muscle in the uterus...the official name is Placental Site Trophoblastic Tumor (PSTT) (what he had suspected all along). There is still a decent blood flow to the area and it seems to be embedded. He said the only way to know for sure that it is PSTT is to do a hysterectomy--which we obviously don't want to do.

We told him I started my period and all about it. He said if this had happened a while ago, he might have been more glad to hear it, but with it being embedded, he seems to think it's unlikely that I'll be able to pass it on my own. He said my uterus is fairly large (I always wonder how I'm supposed to take that) so another option would be a uterine wedge resection. He said you can have a pregnancy in half a uterus. So if we took out a quarter of my uterus (the part with the tumor) they could potentially sew it back together and "all would be well." But, there is no guarantee and I could wake up from the surgery with no uterus. So...we're not going that route.

Other options include 3 drugs, 5 drugs, 7 drugs and a second opinion. Basically I've tried 2 drugs so far (Methotrexate and Dactinomycin) and I've shown resistance to both of those. We have to up the game. At the very least we'd add one more drug and I'd be at 3. But most likely I'll be at 5 drugs (luckily not at the 7 drugs). Since it is Tuesday today, we couldn't start until Monday. It will be treatments every day for five days, then a week off, and so on. Yikes. I totally called this is what would happen, nothing really new, but I would need stronger treatment. KNEW IT. I wasn't expecting every day, though. He also said he's going to ask some other Gynecologist Oncologists and see what drug option they vote for--giving them my medical history and personal situation (the fact that we're moving in a month and want to, ya know, have kids). I said GO FOR IT, basically free second opinions from the best. He said he should hear by Thursday or Friday, so call them then and we'll get it all scheduled for Monday. Eeek. Once again, let's hope I don't lose my hair.

He does seem a little worried that I won't be able to find a gynecologist oncologist in Rexburg, but he says we'll figure it out. Especially if we figure out what drugs we're going to use, they can just follow the recipe.

I'm going to try to get lots of hours for my internship in this week because I don't know if I'll be able to work at all on treatment weeks. I think I'm going to have to get another CT scan (or at least an ultrasound) to ensure it is gone, since he said we can't always trust the numbers in the blood for some reason. So we'll see how things go.

Thanks again for all the support. I might be needing it next week.

The moment of truth

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious and jealous.

Okay, I'll be honest. I get pretty jealous of all the pregnant/new moms I see EVERYWHERE. I think about how I would be having my baby in just 2 months...that's pretty sad. It's even more sad to me that I know it will be AT THE VERY LEAST 4 months (more like at least 7) until we can start trying to get pregnant again. Not a fan.

Any way.

I had my CT scan, ultrasound, and chest x-ray last Monday (the 27th). I was really grateful Derek got the day off and was able to be with me. The contrast I had to drink was...nasty. I was really nervous, and I'll be honest, a part of me hoped the ultrasound tech would be like... "oh, you're pregnant!" No such luck.

My doc told me to call about a week after to see if they had got my results. No news was good news, but I could still call to double check.

When I went in for my blood draw last week (Thursday), I realized it was my last scheduled appointment so I spoke with the scheduler. She said she would have to get more orders from the doctor and that they hadn't seen the results from my scans yet.

Tuesday came around and I still hadn't heard anything, so I called her. The scheduler was at lunch, so I left a message. She didn't call me back the rest of the day. Wednesday morning my hubby told me I needed to call again because I didn't have my blood draw scheduled or anything.

A few minutes latter the scheduler called me back.

She told me the doctor wanted to meet with me on Tuesday (the 11th) about my scan results and discuss my treatment options. She then proceeded to tell me my time options. That's all she told me. I wish they could at least say "hey listen, no big deal, don't worry about it." Or "hey, it isn't great news, so prepare yourself."

But no, I'm in limbo (as always) until Tuesday. Everyone keeps saying it's probably not a big deal, and they're probably right. But, It's realllly hard for me not to worry. I'm scared. I'm nervous about the vast possibilities it could be. I'm nervous I'll need a stronger chemo treatment. I'm nervous I'll lose my hair. I'm nervous I'll have to wait longer to have a sweet little baby. I'm nervous I'll never be able to have children. I'm just plain nervous.

All I know is I just try not to think about it too much. I know things will work out, I know God has a plan. I'm just a worrier. I need to have more faith and more patience.

In the mean time, my hubby and I are going out tonight. Time with just him and me. I'm excited. I need it. We need it. I'm really blessed to have him, and all the others to support me through this chaotic time.