The Waiting Game

So much of life is spent waiting.
Waiting in a line; waiting at the doctor's office; waiting to turn 16; waiting for a date; waiting to get married, to have children. We look forward to certain times in our lives--when things will finally be how we want them and we'll be happy. I've contemplated this idea for some time. A man once told me that the best advice he ever received--something that really changed him--was to be happy wherever you are in life. Those events or times you look forward to, they will come; but find happiness and joy now. He told me he has really tried to live by that and it has enabled him to have a full and rich life.

With that said, I clearly need to change some things.
My life seems to be a waiting game. I'm waiting to get a job, waiting for my internship to start, waiting for Derek to get home, waiting for my darn stubborn hormone levels to go down, and waiting until we can try for a baby again. (I guess many of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. If you're a little confused try reading this, if you're completely shocked and confused then follow the previous link, but give the hyperlink in that post a read as well (the hyperlink is sad experience, I think).) Things seem to be changing very slowly with me, medically speaking. Which, to some degree is comforting given all that could happen that would rapidly alter my reality. But still, it makes me fear the cause of my very slow return to normalcy and how it will affect things in the future. I yearn for my body to respond normally and to no longer have to sit and wait for 30 minutes to over an hour just to have my blood drawn in less than a minute...every...single....week. I yearn for the time when Derek and I can create a precious new life and to finally hold that bundle of perfection in our arms. But today, I must listen to those words and stop waiting.
Today is a beautiful day to start living.

Rambling Medical Update

After my sad experience and all that transpired, we tried to move on and waited until my post-op appointment, at which point I was told I was still testing positive so they would need to check my HCG levels (the hormone the placenta gives off to tell your body you're pregnant). They didn't seem too concerned at this point because my post-op was a little earlier than most are. We spoke with the doctor and he said normally after a D&C, the HCG goes to 0 within 2 weeks. I was a few days shy of 2 weeks, but they'd check my levels and see me in a week or so. Turns out my hormone levels were somewhere in the 7,000's (if I'm remembering correctly). Needless to say, this was unexpected. My doctor was pretty worried and I had to come in to get them checked again after the weekend (which they dropped hardly anything, and then they very next day). We had to stay at the doctor's office until the got the results--we were there for like 4 hours. They had barely gone down and my OB-GYN was talking with an oncologist in Salt Lake to see what we should do and had a shot on hand that they might have to give me if things weren't going like they should. He told us the problem is that these elevated levels could be a sign of a tumor or cancer.

Over the next weeks I was going to get my blood drawn ever week to week and a half. My levels continued to go down, but very very slowly. I had a few ultrasounds and they said I had a small piece of tissue in my lining that was a normal size and didn't think it should be anything to be concerned about and my body should sluff it off. It came time for us to be moving soon so I wanted to talk to the doctor again to see what we should do when we move. He then seemed to get worried again because my levels were still in the 3,000's and it had been like 6 or 7 weeks since the D&C. He thought we might need to have another D&C and do some tests on the tissue to make sure it wasn't cancerous. I started to panic...I feared things would be bad and I feared I would never be able to have kids. Luckily, he said my level had cut in half--exactly what we wanted, and that I should be okay to go to Canada for our open house and be in Oregon with my new doctor within a week to 10 days to have them checked again. Even though he seemed less frantic, he was very serious as he told us I can't just drop off the face of the Earth and that I HAD to keep having my hormone checked. He also made it very clear he needed to talk directly to my new doctor to inform him of everything that has happened.

Anyway, we got to Oregon and had my levels checked....again. They seemed to have plateaued as they were in the 1,000 range for like three different blood draws after that cut in half. But they then dropped to 800 something and then to 600 something. I saw my new doctor and he said that the tissue is most likely still a small piece of placenta that is giving off HCG, but that it is getting weaker, which is why the levels are going down. But, just as before, we have to keep watching it in case anything changed. Basically it wasn't anything new...exceeeept...my first OB told us we had to wait to try to get pregnant again for 3 cycles, so we were hoping to be able to start trying in September. Then, with all of this junk, I still haven't had my period so I was getting discouraged because our waiting time hasn't even officially started. BUT my new OB said we can try after two cycles, so that dang thing needs to come again. I go in again today (I actually really need to go shower so I can make it on time), and hopefully things are still at least moving in the right direction. My body needs to figure it out!