Here Goes Nothin'

Today I had to doctor's appointment we've all been waiting to hear about.

Derek seems to have a magical power to make doctors take forever. We waited to see the doctor for about an hour. I didn't mind waiting too much since I got to be with my hubby.

TMI paragraph, skip if you don't want the gritty details
So on Saturday I started cramping and passing tissue/blood clots. Not only have I not had a period since March 30th, I'm not used to having so many big clots or whatever. I was starting to get a little worried, but it settled down, so I just figured I was starting my period.
Derek was excited that I was starting my period and said "it's the end of our troubles!" For some reason I just really felt (and even dreamed) for some reason it wouldn't matter.

Doctor Gosewehr met my hubby and jumped right in. He started drawing a uterus and explaining what the CT scan said. He said the good news is, it is only in the uterus and hasn't spread anywhere else (wooo). Basically none of the explanation was new to me. He said there is this tissue that is in the muscle in the uterus...the official name is Placental Site Trophoblastic Tumor (PSTT) (what he had suspected all along). There is still a decent blood flow to the area and it seems to be embedded. He said the only way to know for sure that it is PSTT is to do a hysterectomy--which we obviously don't want to do.

We told him I started my period and all about it. He said if this had happened a while ago, he might have been more glad to hear it, but with it being embedded, he seems to think it's unlikely that I'll be able to pass it on my own. He said my uterus is fairly large (I always wonder how I'm supposed to take that) so another option would be a uterine wedge resection. He said you can have a pregnancy in half a uterus. So if we took out a quarter of my uterus (the part with the tumor) they could potentially sew it back together and "all would be well." But, there is no guarantee and I could wake up from the surgery with no uterus. So...we're not going that route.

Other options include 3 drugs, 5 drugs, 7 drugs and a second opinion. Basically I've tried 2 drugs so far (Methotrexate and Dactinomycin) and I've shown resistance to both of those. We have to up the game. At the very least we'd add one more drug and I'd be at 3. But most likely I'll be at 5 drugs (luckily not at the 7 drugs). Since it is Tuesday today, we couldn't start until Monday. It will be treatments every day for five days, then a week off, and so on. Yikes. I totally called this is what would happen, nothing really new, but I would need stronger treatment. KNEW IT. I wasn't expecting every day, though. He also said he's going to ask some other Gynecologist Oncologists and see what drug option they vote for--giving them my medical history and personal situation (the fact that we're moving in a month and want to, ya know, have kids). I said GO FOR IT, basically free second opinions from the best. He said he should hear by Thursday or Friday, so call them then and we'll get it all scheduled for Monday. Eeek. Once again, let's hope I don't lose my hair.

He does seem a little worried that I won't be able to find a gynecologist oncologist in Rexburg, but he says we'll figure it out. Especially if we figure out what drugs we're going to use, they can just follow the recipe.

I'm going to try to get lots of hours for my internship in this week because I don't know if I'll be able to work at all on treatment weeks. I think I'm going to have to get another CT scan (or at least an ultrasound) to ensure it is gone, since he said we can't always trust the numbers in the blood for some reason. So we'll see how things go.

Thanks again for all the support. I might be needing it next week.

The moment of truth

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious and jealous.

Okay, I'll be honest. I get pretty jealous of all the pregnant/new moms I see EVERYWHERE. I think about how I would be having my baby in just 2 months...that's pretty sad. It's even more sad to me that I know it will be AT THE VERY LEAST 4 months (more like at least 7) until we can start trying to get pregnant again. Not a fan.

Any way.

I had my CT scan, ultrasound, and chest x-ray last Monday (the 27th). I was really grateful Derek got the day off and was able to be with me. The contrast I had to drink was...nasty. I was really nervous, and I'll be honest, a part of me hoped the ultrasound tech would be like... "oh, you're pregnant!" No such luck.

My doc told me to call about a week after to see if they had got my results. No news was good news, but I could still call to double check.

When I went in for my blood draw last week (Thursday), I realized it was my last scheduled appointment so I spoke with the scheduler. She said she would have to get more orders from the doctor and that they hadn't seen the results from my scans yet.

Tuesday came around and I still hadn't heard anything, so I called her. The scheduler was at lunch, so I left a message. She didn't call me back the rest of the day. Wednesday morning my hubby told me I needed to call again because I didn't have my blood draw scheduled or anything.

A few minutes latter the scheduler called me back.

She told me the doctor wanted to meet with me on Tuesday (the 11th) about my scan results and discuss my treatment options. She then proceeded to tell me my time options. That's all she told me. I wish they could at least say "hey listen, no big deal, don't worry about it." Or "hey, it isn't great news, so prepare yourself."

But no, I'm in limbo (as always) until Tuesday. Everyone keeps saying it's probably not a big deal, and they're probably right. But, It's realllly hard for me not to worry. I'm scared. I'm nervous about the vast possibilities it could be. I'm nervous I'll need a stronger chemo treatment. I'm nervous I'll lose my hair. I'm nervous I'll have to wait longer to have a sweet little baby. I'm nervous I'll never be able to have children. I'm just plain nervous.

All I know is I just try not to think about it too much. I know things will work out, I know God has a plan. I'm just a worrier. I need to have more faith and more patience.

In the mean time, my hubby and I are going out tonight. Time with just him and me. I'm excited. I need it. We need it. I'm really blessed to have him, and all the others to support me through this chaotic time.