The moment of truth

I'm feeling anxious. Anxious and jealous.

Okay, I'll be honest. I get pretty jealous of all the pregnant/new moms I see EVERYWHERE. I think about how I would be having my baby in just 2 months...that's pretty sad. It's even more sad to me that I know it will be AT THE VERY LEAST 4 months (more like at least 7) until we can start trying to get pregnant again. Not a fan.

Any way.

I had my CT scan, ultrasound, and chest x-ray last Monday (the 27th). I was really grateful Derek got the day off and was able to be with me. The contrast I had to drink was...nasty. I was really nervous, and I'll be honest, a part of me hoped the ultrasound tech would be like... "oh, you're pregnant!" No such luck.

My doc told me to call about a week after to see if they had got my results. No news was good news, but I could still call to double check.

When I went in for my blood draw last week (Thursday), I realized it was my last scheduled appointment so I spoke with the scheduler. She said she would have to get more orders from the doctor and that they hadn't seen the results from my scans yet.

Tuesday came around and I still hadn't heard anything, so I called her. The scheduler was at lunch, so I left a message. She didn't call me back the rest of the day. Wednesday morning my hubby told me I needed to call again because I didn't have my blood draw scheduled or anything.

A few minutes latter the scheduler called me back.

She told me the doctor wanted to meet with me on Tuesday (the 11th) about my scan results and discuss my treatment options. She then proceeded to tell me my time options. That's all she told me. I wish they could at least say "hey listen, no big deal, don't worry about it." Or "hey, it isn't great news, so prepare yourself."

But no, I'm in limbo (as always) until Tuesday. Everyone keeps saying it's probably not a big deal, and they're probably right. But, It's realllly hard for me not to worry. I'm scared. I'm nervous about the vast possibilities it could be. I'm nervous I'll need a stronger chemo treatment. I'm nervous I'll lose my hair. I'm nervous I'll have to wait longer to have a sweet little baby. I'm nervous I'll never be able to have children. I'm just plain nervous.

All I know is I just try not to think about it too much. I know things will work out, I know God has a plan. I'm just a worrier. I need to have more faith and more patience.

In the mean time, my hubby and I are going out tonight. Time with just him and me. I'm excited. I need it. We need it. I'm really blessed to have him, and all the others to support me through this chaotic time.