Doctors Are Makin' Me Crazy

My last post was when I had just met my new oncologist--Dr. Hancock.

Let's just start out by saying my opinion of his has greatly diminished over the past few months.

It is now March and I'm getting cranky (even more) and SO INCREDIBLY ready to move past this all.

Well, after my initial meeting with Dr. Hancock, we were all kinda freaked out about waiting so long to get my blood checked again. I think I ended up waiting like 2 or 3 weeks and luckily my levels were still in the normal range. I kept trying to ask them about getting an ultrasound done. Dr. Gosewehr made it very clear that with this type of tumor, it can still be there even if my levels have normalized. The new doctor's office was terrible. They sucked at calling me back and I was getting really sick of it.

I was waiting to apply for jobs until I knew if I was going to have to do more chemo or what my situation was going to be, because I knew if I was still dealing with all of this, a job would be impractical. Finally around the end of January I figured (with Derek's prodding) that I should start applying for jobs. I applied for one, and got an interview the same day. In the mean time, Dr. Hancock's office had FINALLY gotten back to me and told me that before I had the ultrasound, he wanted to see me again. Which I thought was dumb. I think I had the meeting with him on a Monday.

Let me tell you, it was a stupid meeting and I was mad by the end of it. Basically he was like, "The reason we want to do an ultrasound is because sometimes weird things can happen with your veins/arteries when you heal from a tumor....kinda like varicose veins. They get all clumped together and whatnot. So we want to see if that's the case." I was like....okay? So what do we do if that's the case. He said we'd just watch it and see how it heals (I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing "we'll just watch it"). I thought it was weird, but then I brought up the point about how Gosewehr said I could still have the tumor and Dr. Hancock was like, "I think you're confused, because that isn't even possible." I was FUMING. Ummm...I think my GYN Oncologist would have a little better idea than you, dummy. I was just like whatever...I'll just see how the ultrasound goes. But I was feeling like Hancock didn't know what he was talking about and I was trusting his judgment less and less.

I had the interview Tuesday. Unfortunately my medical stuff came up and how I was having a doctor's appointment the next morning (my ultrasound) and I'd let him know how it went.

Wednesday I had my ultrasound. The tech and I were talking casually through the whole thing. She was really nice. She asked about my situation and seemed so surprised and really intrigued. "It's like something you read about in a book but never see! Kinda cool, well...probably not for you..." Haha. Anyway, I told her how I was nervous about what Dr. Hancock was saying and how it differed from my previous doctor. She also told me she couldn't see one of my ovaries. Which I thought was weird.. But I guess sometimes that happens. Anyway, after I got dressed and I went out, she was talking about trying to get previous images that I've had done and whatnot. Anyway, she told me (thank goodness for Idaho being so relaxed (one plus of Idaho) because this never would have happened in Oregon) that I should be really persistent with my doctor because there is definitely something still there, but they couldn't see if it had grown or shrunk or anything without the previous scans.

SO MAD. I cannot even explain to you how furious I was. Here, I had wasted another month of my life doing nothing because my stupid doctor was too arrogant and thought he HAD to be right, and nothing could possibly still be wrong. I pretty much immediately called my dad and told him I could not work with Dr. Hancock anymore. I don't care that he isn't as good as Dr. Gosewehr, but him not admitting that he doesn't know what he's talking about was killing me and I couldn't take it anymore. We were trying to figure out what options we had and basically we decided to wait to see what they said about the ultrasound and in the mean time I made sure everything was faxed to Gosewehr's office so they had all the information and I could talk to them about it.

When I FINALLY got to talk to someone at Hancock's office, she was like "Oh it's about 2cm, that's really tiny, probably not much to worry about." Are you freaking kidding me?! ANYTHING IN MY UTERUS THAT IS NOT A BABY IS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT! She said she'd have to try and get a hold of the doctor to see what he said about it. We waited. And waited. Derek got fed up and went to the office to get some answers. They were freaking closed. And they hadn't called me back. Those meanies. Finally a few hours later they call back and say, "He says it's just scar tissue and you can follow up with Dr. Evans (my obgyn) from here on out." I said you guys are dumb, you don't know what you're talking about (okay maybe I just thought that). And I'm going to try to see what my Oregon doctors say and then I'll decide if I want to work with Evans.

So, we had everything sent to Gosewehr's office. In the mean time, my dad and I were trying to see how we can get my case to Stanford Medical because our insurance works with them or something. I was feeling so distraught. Doctor Goswehr's office wasn't getting back to me, the Stanford people weren't getting in touch with my dad. I wasn't going to work with Hancock anymore, and I hadn't gotten in touch with Evan's yet. I felt like I was doctor-less (which had me really freaked out especially since I've been seeing doctors pretty consistently for the last year+). Turns out Hancock and Evans had consulted fairly extensively about me (or so they say) and felt like Evans would have a better idea of how to help me. I still felt like Hancock was just dumping me off and not wanting to deal with my case....But I was fine with not dealing with him!

Well, people started getting back to me all at once.  Evan's office wanting to follow up with me. Stanford people trying to figure out my case. Hancock's office (gag me) trying to make sure I'm following up with someone (probably just so they aren't liable, suuuure, now you care about my care). I felt like I went from no doctors, to too many doctors trying to deal with my case all in about 2 days.

Dr. Evans said he wanted to do his own ultrasound and get a look for himself. So I scheduled with him and had another ultrasound done. He also couldn't find one of my ovaries (has me more freaked out). He took some 3D images and said he'd be consulting with the GYN oncologist they work with from Salt Lake and see what she thinks. He said we had some options. We could take a biopsy of it to see what it is, we could wait and see how things develop/change (shoot me), we could try and get pregnant and see what happens, and probably more options I don't remember. But he get my blood checked and had wanted me to bring back my medical records so they could compare the new images.

When I brought them back I told my nurse I'd really appreciate it if they would send the results to Gosewehr and also if Evans would consult with him because I really trust his opinion. I guess they talked (I really wish I could hear the conversations between my doctors). Apparently they decided they wanted me to get another MRI. And Evans was going to do this different blood test as well. I guess it is Human Placental Lactogen which if high during pregnancy or something it can mean PSTT. But that dang test takes 2 weeks to get the results!

So I've had my blood tested about a week and a half ago. And had my MRI over a week ago. I'm still waiting on the results from both of those. I'm hoping to get a call today about the MRI.

These last two months have been really hard. The first month was okay, waiting on the doctor stuff and just having fun, relaxing. February was TOUGH. Having nothing to do is not all it's cracked up to be. I was getting really depressed and feeling like I was wasting my life away. I've been in a dark place. But, thanks to this, I've decided I'm going to try to go to Grad School, so I've signed up for the GRE, I've got some schools I'm looking at, and I'm applying for more and more jobs. Hopefully something to stick and help me to feel more fulfilled. For now it's just me and Jonah and some Mario Party 3 on the N64. #ineedalife

I've been dreaming about babies a lot. About having them, adopting them, loving them.

We can't decide what would be good news at this point. If I still have the tumor, maybe it's a good thing because I'm (once again) at the point that surgery seems like the next logical step since nothing else has worked. And maybe that would be good, maybe we could finally move on, and maybe we could get pregnant sooner. But things could also go very wrong with that scenario. If it's scar tissue, well it's good because it isn't a tumor... But we don't know how that would affect pregnancy, so it kinda scares me. And it could mean more waiting, which you all know how much I love that.

We're trying really hard to understand and follow God's will for us, even though it seems very hard to see at this point. We just keep praying for health and for guidance and that we'll be ready to bring a precious child into this world when the time comes. All I know is that I'm grateful for my Savior, because I've needed His strength a lot already this year, and I know I'm going to need it more and more as we move forward. I'm so blessed that He has helped me through my darkest moments, and that He's there with me in my brightest ones as well.