Phone Calls That Make You Cry

This week has been one of the biggest roller coasters of my life. A lot of new information, so bear with me. (But then again, I guess if you're reading this, you've probably been keeping up on my situation, so maybe you're interested...) If you get bored of reading, please skip to the end and at least read the last two paragraphs! 

Phone call 1: Dr. Bair called me Tuesday (the 9th). He told me that after my shot of methotrexate, my levels should drop by 25-30%, but instead they went up--what we had feared would happen all along. He said it wasn't a big jump up by any means, but the fact that it went up at all, especially after the chemo shot, was extremely disconcerting. He talked about how things can spread to the lungs and liver and some other stuff, and brought up how something with my liver levels was weird with one of my previous checks, but I'm not really sure what he's talking about (I would be having that checked again the next day). He said I would likely need to have like CT scans and my chest looked at. He reminded me the numbers are still really small, so it's really unlikely that they'll show anything, but that I'd probably need them. He said he felt it was best for me to see the gynecologic oncologist from here on out. He told me he would call him and that the oncology office would call me.

At this point I was seriously starting to freak out. Going up is NOT a good sign, and I just wanted to be done and move past all of this, but this news made me feel like I just had to start all over with everything. I cried. I talked to Derek, and I just kept thinking about the worst and thinking about my blood draw the next morning, worrying it would have an even bigger jump.

Phone call 2: Later (actually on the way to take Grandma to, what I later learned, would be the same office) the oncologist called me and basically it just seemed like he was making sure it was okay to set up an appointment to meet with me. He said it isn't cancer (I'm not sure how they can be so sure at this point, but whatever) and that it isn't the THREAT they're so concerned about, it's the persistence of my tissue/hormones/whatever. He said we'll either be adding another chemo treatment with the methotrexate or replacing it with this new treatment. He didn't mention anything about scans or anything. I'm still going in tomorrow to have my blood drawn (at the OB/GYN, not the oncologists). The oncologist said that his "people" would be calling me back today to schedule the appointment and that if they didn't call by the end of the day, to call his office. I asked him if I would still be able to have children and he reassured me that this will NOT affect that. The one piece of relief I got.

Well his office never called, so when I got back from my internship, I called Dr. Bair's office to get the oncology number and then called them. His scheduler wasn't even there any more! I was kinda frustrated, but then I got a reminder call about an appointment for Thursday (today) at 11:30. Apparently they just decided not to ask me when works best. I'll be at my internship at that time, but luckily it is literally across the street from the doctor, so oh well. 

Phone call 3/office visit: Wednesday morning I received a call from Dr. Gosewehr's scheduler (the oncologist) and said she'd like to schedule all my appointments through October, and asked me to come in since I would be right by there for my blood draw. Well, I got my blood taken and then went to meet with her. She starts listing off all these dates and appointments. Treatments. EIGHT treatments were scheduled. Every week I would have a treatment--starting tomorrow. Every other week I would meet with the doctor and evaluate where things are at. When I left the office I had a melt down. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't ready for all of this, I didn't want stupid chemo for 2 months and all the restrictions that come with it. I didn't want any of this.

I skyped with my parents and it calmed me down some, but I still was feeling cranky about the whole situation. I'm only 21 years old, and I'm not ready to be getting chemo weekly (I don't think I'd ever be ready, but still).

Phone call 4: Dr. Bair called yesterday. I saw his name on the phone and anticipated him to tell me they shot up even more and blah blah blah. When I hear the words "152, they went down more than half!" I felt a rush of relief. He said he was so excited he wanted to get me the results as soon as he knew. He said he felt very optimistic with that drop--and for the most part so do I. He said I would still finish things out with Dr. Gosewehr, and he would counsel me on when I can get pregnant again, but that this was a great sign. 

I was SO excited to hear they had dropped, but I guess I'm still worried because we've had drops before and then it really mellows out. Hopefully that won't be the case this time and maybe I'll be back to "normal" quicker than expected. I guess his comment about counselling with us about when we can get pregnant and how we usually want to wait a little longer with this got me bummed out. But, I know it will be so worth it when the time comes. What a roller coaster this year has been. Once again, I'm hopeful this is the beginning of the end...for real this time. Well this is how I was feeling...until today.

Today I went to my internship and then got to the oncologist's office a little before 11:30. I was anxious for Derek to get there. They called me back and took my blood. I asked what all they were testing.They did another CBC, something else that tests like....everything including liver and kidney functions, and then my HCG levels. Then I went back out to the lobby and Derek finally got there as I was filling out a bunch of paperwork. We waited. And waited. When it was like 12:15 I finally went up there are asked if they knew how much longer it would be. She said if I hadn't gotten called back in 15 more minutes, to let her know. Well 20 went by so I went up and they finally took me back. The nurse took my weight, blood pressure, and temperature and then took us back to this small, quaint room with comfy chairs and a couch. She said the PA would come in, and then the doctor. We WAITED. Fiiiiinally the PA came in and asked us some very brief questions, then said Docter Gosewehr would be in shortly. When 1:20 came around Derek finally said that he couldn't wait any longer and had to get back to work. I understood but I was really bummed that he wouldn't be with me when the docter came to talk. 

A little while later he finally came in. Most of what he said kinda went over my head. Important things: I'll still be able to get pregnant, but I'm supposed to wait 6 months after my last treatment (I wanted to cry when he told me that, but I held it together). He told me they were switching my medication to LSNFOSJDNFLSDN (every time he said it I could not understand him but later learned it is dactinomycin)... And that I would have it every other week, and continue to have my weekly blood tests. He said I'd keep getting it until my levels reached 0 and then I think he said I'll have two more treatments after that. Booo. I was not excited. He gave me a lot of information that I don't really remember...hence me wanting someone there with me, but oh well. He did a pelvic exam and told me that everything looked normal. He said I would be scheduled with CT scans of my abdomen and pelvis and have a chest xray. He said that it isn't too serious now, but they need to check everything so they don't miss something and that it has the potential to get serious. Honestly, it relieves me they're doing the scans. I would rather have them done and know I'm clear, rather than keep waiting and miss something. 

Anyway, then I got taken to the treatment room. Doctor Gosewehr and the treatment givers were all really nice and super funny. It was such a weird feeling in the the treatment room. There were all these big, tan, leather chairs with people everywhere hooked up to IVs. I can safely say I was the youngest person in the room (Doctos Gosewehr told me most of his patients are in their 80's so when we talked about contraceptives (which ps. he told me condoms weren't good enough, but I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to use hormone methods...so what do I use?) he said he wasn't really up to date on those since none of his patients really have to worry about them). When I brought my grandma to the office on Tuesday I wondered what it was like back there with people getting treatment. Little did I know that two days later I would be one of them. I kept looking around at all these people and wondering what their lives were like and what stage in their treatment they were at. Some were bald, some looked really sick, and others looked completely "normal". When I was first sitting down a couple walked in and asked me if some other lady was with me, I told them I was alone and the husband said "well now she's with you! You aren't alone!" (referring to his wife, who is a doctor, who was getting treatment). It was really sweet. 

Well I got my treatment and then finally at nearly 4 I was able to come home. I've had a headache and I was just hit with some decent nausea. I sure hope the drugs they give me work and that I don't feel like crap for the next who knows how long. 

I just have to say, with all of this, I have been so blown away with the love and prayers Derek and I have received on our behalf. It means the word to me. I was thinking about my friend from my previous ward, Nikki, and thought I should talk to her about her chemo experience. When I got on my computer I had a great, long message from her. I seriously wanted to cry. I was blown away that we both had received the prompting from the Lord to talk to each other and so grateful that she followed that prompting. I'm so glad that even though things kinda suck right now, the Lord still lets me know that He is aware of me and is looking out for me. I'm blessed, even if things aren't ideal. We all are!

*****IMPORTANT LAST NOTE!!!!!*****
I need to stay any from anyone who has had a fever within the last two days (from when I see them)...and probably people who have been in contact with feverish people, to be safe. SOOO...warn me if you have a fever, or just shoot me a message instead of seeing me. But I love company. And would actually love if someone wanted to come with me in two weeks when I meet with the doctor and have my next treatment, but warning! It could take all day...