As some of you may know, I had my MRI this past Tuesday. But, apparently I never blogged about my LAST MRI, so I guess I'll start there.
At the point of my last blog, we were still waiting to hear about my MRI results. I probably never wrote about what happened because I was so frustrated and hurt. Dr. Evans was out of town when I got the MRI, so we were waiting to hear from him when he got back into town. We kept trying to get a hold of his office, but things just weren't working out. One night, almost 3 weeks after the MRI, Derek and I had a long, late-night talk. We finally openly discussed how we were really feeling about the whole situation and we talked about how we really felt it was time for us to start trying and start our family. I can't tell you how good this conversation felt. It was literally like Christ, Derek, and I were sharing the yoke and together we could bear the load.
I called the office the next morning and to my surprise, things were finally working out. She said Dr. Evans wanted to meet with us and was SHOCKED that someone had cancelled and they could get us in on Monday (I think this was on a Friday). Derek and I were really wanting him to be at the appointment with me, but he had school and we weren't sure how things would work out. The lady on the phone told me the time, and I couldn't help but smiling that it perfectly fit into Derek's schedule. It felt like things were just falling into place and we were being blessed because we were relying on the Lord. Derek and I discussed how we were going to talk to Evans about our feelings and basically say, "Hey, we believe in God, we know you do, too. This is how we're feeling, what's your counsel, can we try?"
When we got to the doctor's office we literally waited for what felt like hours (and realistically probably was over an hour). When we were finally called back, Dr. Evans told us of how he had spoken with Dr. Gosewehr pretty extensively about this. My tumor/scar tissue had shrunk, but it wasn't gone. Either way I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. That's the LAST thing "we" want right now. He said it didn't really matter if it was the tumor or the scar tissue, but that they would check my blood every month, for 3 months, and then repeat the MRI.
Derek and I were honestly so dumbfounded and upset that neither of us really said anything. I probably cried the whole way home. I'll admit, I was probably very angry with God. I felt like all these things had been prompting us and hyping us up, only to have it ripped away from us. I was hurt. I was angry. I was sad.
Fast forward 3 month.
Given how long the process was with the last MRI, I wanted to speed things up, get my MRI scheduled early and already have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans so we weren't waiting 3 weeks again.
So, like I said, I had my 3-month MRI on Tuesday. Today we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans. All week Derek and I have really been trying not to get our hopes up. Wondering what bad news we were going to get; "It's grown," "nothing has changed," "it's shrunk a little, let's keep waiting 3 more months." Every possible solution had a frown on my face.
Okay, a small part of my hoped, begged, that it would be good news, but I just couldn't allow myself to feel the pain I had last time, so I quickly shut it out. We had been asking people to fast and pray for us, and as I sat in the room, waiting, I thought "why the heck do I keep telling so many people I'm having this stuff done? Now I'm going to have to tell everyone the bad news and be disappointed all over again." That's what I get for telling the world my story, I guess.
Waiting for the doctor feels like an eternity.
The nurse told me we were up next and my heart was racing. I would sit up straight, trying to be prepared, then slouch back down as I went through the scenarios in my head again. (talk about the roller coasters I put myself on). I felt like I was going to throw up. Or cry. Throw up and cry. (and let's just say I've been doing a lot of crying lately).
So, the knock on the door and the doctor walks in.
*deep breath* "I can do this, I can be strong," I think to myself.
"Well," Dr. Evans begins as I hold my breath, "the MRI looks fantastic!"
Again with the heart stopping. Had I heard that right? That wasn't one of my fathomable outcomes. *begin hyperventilation*
I'll be honest all I could think at this point was, "BABIEEEESSSS!!!!!"
But of course, I was getting ahead of myself.
He said he just got the results and hadn't had a chance to talk with Dr. Gosewehr yet (whom he greatly relies on, for which I am actually grateful, even though it's annoying to have to wait for that communication to happen). So he wanted to double check with him for what all we still needed to do. But, he said they'd check my blood and he wanted an ultrasound done within the next week. He also said that we may need to do a.....holy cow I must have been very distracted cuz I'm forgetting a lot of the names of things, but we might have to do this thing where they check the integrity of my uterine wall/lining. He wasn't sure if we'd need to, or if we'd just see how it holds up through pregnancy (which at the time seemed like "yeah, let's just get pregnant already," but now that I think about it, that sounds a little scary).
Anyway, that was pretty much all he said at that point. Then he starts dictating his report into his little recorder thing, he was saying the results of the MRI and mentioned two things that I remember thinking, "well what the heck is that? You didn't tell me that." But I don't know what exactly they were. I'd like to get my hands on that report and read it for myself. All I really care about though, is that I seem to be in the clear.
Anyway, I got my blood drawn and I went to schedule my ultrasound. Pregnancy, here I come!
Only, booooo. They can't fit me in until the 22nd, and of course, Dr. Evans will be out of town that week, so he can't get the results and talk with Dr. Gosewehr until he gets back. KILLING ME. Let's be honest, I'd like to start trying ASAP, soooo if we could get the results before I ovulate, that'd be great, thanks.
In the end, I almost cried, but not for the reasons I thought it'd be for. I almost cried because I was so elated.
I'm excited and happy, but also nervous and feel like it could still be a while before we can actually start trying, but hey. We're one step closer (even though every time we get one step closer, it seems 3 more steps are added), but I'm still grateful.
Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your fasting and your prayers. And for your support, from near and far. It means the world to me.
I don't know when we'll get pregnant, but please try not to ask me. I'm a bad liar and Derek and I aren't sure when we'll tell people given everything. But I promise that when we're ready to tell you, you'll know.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY FIIIIIIIINAAAAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYY
Yay!!!! I'm so happy for you Kendra and Derek.
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