It Could Have Been Worse

It could have been A LOT worse. Car accidents—big or small—are jolting no matter what. However, they’re even more nerve shattering when you’re carrying an unborn baby.

Derek and I decided to set out for Canada on Tuesday evening instead of Wednesday morning in order to try to avoid the brunt of the snow storm. I was a little nervous about the late hour and all the snow coming, but trusted Derek’s ability to maneuver it. Little did I know there were other things I SHOULD have been worrying about.

 About an hour into our drive, I decided I’d try to get a little rest in case I needed to drive. I rested my head in my hand as I propped myself up on the middle console of the car.

The next thing I know, I’m being jolted awake as the car comes down like a wave as one side of the car makes contact with the pavement and then the other until all four wheels are once again on the road and we’re driving normally, pulling off to the side.

Derek tells me we hit an elk.  My heart is racing, I feel like I could throw up. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do from here.

My thoughts immediately go to my growing baby. PLEASE be okay.

We step out of the car to see what’s been done to the car. Before I can even get to the other side of the car, a man (who I later learned was helping the car that first hit the elk—totaling their SUV) had walked up to us and was checking on us. He helped us look at the car’s damage as I stood there in a daze—the stench of elk guts permeating my senses. All I can think of is my small child.

Before we left, the guy who first hit the deer also came to check on us and said they had dragged the elk off the road so hopefully no one else would hit it; their car was toast and they were no longer going home for Thanksgiving.

As we start on our journey again, I can’t fully grasp what we have just experienced. I try to take calming breaths and play through my mind what I understand of the events that have just unfolded. We ran over a dead elk on the road going 80 MPH as Derek tried to give the cars pulled over to the right some space. Some contents of our car had gone flying around the car, but as far as I could tell, we hadn’t been too affected.

We stopped at a nearby town to get a better look, try to call Derek’s dad, and get some disinfectant to clean off the guts from the steering wheel and such (Derek got some on his hands while pulling a loose piece of our bumper off). My family encouraged me to call the doctor and see if I needed to do anything. The on-call nurse didn’t seem very concerned at all, which bothered me a little and made me feel dumb. She just said if I have bleeding or feel decreased fetal movement to go to Labor & Delivery and they’d check me out. I worried and longed to feel my baby kicking, but wondered how I’d know if it had “decreased.”

It was hard to tell if the baby was moving with the car ride. It was getting late, the roads weren’t good and we were traveling slowly. I felt like I couldn’t even blink, scanning the sides of the road for any movement or eyes reflecting back at me. Eventually Derek told me to sleep (I think he could tell how exhausted I felt, physically and emotionally), but when I closed my eyes, I was still filled with anxiety. Any time I felt the car start to slow, heard Derek yawn, or basically anything else, I would open my eyes to check that things were still okay. I felt like I had been dreaming and this whole trip would dissipate when I opened my eyes. I couldn’t get a grasp on reality. I didn’t, and still don’t, fully understand what happened, and wish I could just go back through my memory, or watch from a bird’s eye view, exactly what happened; make sense of everything and set myself straight. Alas, I do not have that luxury.

When we finally made it to Great Falls, MT (still 3 hours to home), we decided to stop for the night and I was immensely grateful. I wasn’t feeling well, I desperately needed to sleep, and I wanted my brain and body to just relax and not worry about the trip for a few hours. When they gave us our room, we used the bathroom and as we washed our hands, we realized the sink pipe was DUMPING water onto the carpet. We decided to switch rooms and finally get some sleep.

Luckily on the next morning’s drive the roads were mostly dry and we made it to our destination without any excitement. I was still feeling a little anxious about the ordeal, but we got a better look at the car and talked with the insurance, and everything should be covered (minus a $100 deductible), so we’re very blessed in that regard.

This Thanksgiving morning, Derek put his hand on my belly and said, “hey baby, I’m looking forward to being your daddy. I think Mom will be your favorite, though. She’s mine.” Very soon after, Baby Clifton started kicking like crazy and Derek felt it FOUR times! Which is double the amount he’s felt throughout the whole pregnancy so far! Plus I felt a TON more. I felt extremely blessed to be a little more assured that he/she is still growing in there.

We have been so immensely blessed and I can’t stop thinking about how much worse things could have been. We most likely would be dead if we had been the ones to hit the elk—which could have easily happened had we left even 5 minutes earlier. We were given such a tender mercy and were protected throughout our journey and I am immeasurably grateful. Baby Clifton kicks, reminding me of our precious blessing, as I finish writing this up. Less than a week until we can finally use pronouns! 

Beginning of my Pregnancy Journey

Saturday, August 8th, 2015

Today I am four weeks pregnant!! I still can hardly believe it. I started crying at about 12:15 a.m. on Thursday when I saw a very light, positive pregnancy test.

I thought I should do something more exciting to tell Derek than just waking him up like last time. But, once again, I couldn't wait. When I got home from work that night, I came home to these:

What a sweet husband I have. Well, I took another test today, just to be sure. 

I was feeling worried about the pregnancy tests not being as dark as I remember it being last time, then I remembered that I likely could have had a much higher HCG level than normal last time, so maybe it's a good sign that it isn't so dark.
Every time I go to the bathroom I'm nervous I'll have started my period, but thankfully I still haven't! It feels so unreal--and I haven't noticed too many differences yet. I do feel like I smell EVERYTHING, though (which was the case last time, as well). Luckily I'm not feeling sick, yet, let's pray that continues to be the case. We're praying every day that things will develop properly this time around. I'll be calling the doctor on Monday to see when I need to start coming in to get my blood checked and whatever else they're going to do given my situation. Anyway, not too much more to report at this point. We are VERY excited to be parents, and so hopeful that things will go smoothly this time.
I haven't told a single soul yet (aside from Derek, obviously). I'm pretty impressed with myself. I am terrible about keeping secrets! We'll see how long I last!

Saturday, August 15th, 2015

Today I am officially 5 weeks pregnant! And I've already had my first two doctor's appointment. I called on Monday and didn't hear back until Tuesday at some point. A part of me felt silly when the nurse said, "It sounds like you have some exciting news!" All I could say was, "we hope so." She/Dr. Evans wanted me to come in that day to get my blood checked. Derek was working all day (thus I had no car), so I was nervous trying to figure out how I would get there--especially without telling anyone why I needed to go to the Women's Clinic, and my good friend in the ward was out of town! Thankfully my wonderful neighbor let me borrow her car and off I went. It was uneventful, they drew my blood and said they'd call with the results and that Dr. Evans guessed the next step would be an ultrasound.
The next day, Wednesday, I received a call from some other nurse than the one I usually speak with (Dr. Evans' head nurse, Nita). She said they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow. That made me a little nervous because I didn't know why it was such a rush. I asked how my numbers looked, she didn't seem to know, but I could hear Nita in the background saying they looked good. Anyway, I had to majorly rearrange my schedule so I could fit in the doctor's appointment.
Even with all my pleading, Derek wasn't able to get work off, so I had to go to the first ultrasound on my own. I was unbearably nervous. When they called my name and I went back, I was feeling so sick--not sure if this was the beginning of morning sickness, or just my nerves. I got changed and the ultrasound tech came back and said, "So we're just following up on everything again?" My heart sank....and again, I almost felt silly for thinking things could really be happening. I hesitantly replied, "Well....I'm almost a week late on my period......*mumble mumble*" Her face lit up, "OH!" I was surprised that she didn't know, and she re-looked at my chart and found the note in there. We laughed, mine with a nervous hint.
Finally I couldn't keep it in. I asked her what we should expect to see, especially since it's so early. I didn't want to be blindsided like last time, especially since I was here on my own. She said we MIGHT see the beginnings of a sac, but not necessarily. I clarified that if we didn't, it didn't mean something was wrong, and she confirmed it. I felt a little more at peace. She started doing the ultrasound and the TV monitor wasn't on. I wanted to see it! I said, "no monitor this time?" She sounded a little nervous and said, "I wanted to see what I was looking at first.......but okay," and she turned it on. There I saw the most tiny black dot--the small sac my baby would hopefully grow in.
She said it was so little (because I'm so early) that the machine wouldn't even give her a due date based on the measurements, but she said I was measuring about 5 weeks, give or take 10 days. Haha. She just used my last period to calculate and currently the due date is April 16th!

The rest of the ultrasound was pretty uneventful. I asked a lot of questions and she was nice and put up with me. She said Dr. Evans was out, but that he would likely want weekly ultrasounds at least until we see a heartbeat and we might as well schedule it for next week, and we can always cancel if he didn't think we needed it. She started talking like we could set one up for Monday, but I wanted to give it more time. We scheduled my next appointment for this coming Friday so both Derek and I could be there. I continued to question her about what we should be able to see at that point. She didn't really seem to want to give definite answers, but said, mostly we want to see growth, that things are progressing, and we should at least see a yolk sac most likely by that point. I was satisfied and went on my way.
I got called the next day saying Dr. Evans wanted to wait until the following Wednesday to do the ultrasound so he could meet with me afterwards, I told her that I really couldn't make Wednesdays work (both Derek and I work all day). After looong waits, we decided to keep the scheduled ultrasound and to schedule another one the following Friday where we would then meet with Dr. Evans as well.
My little sister and her hubby come into town today. We're having to hide a bunch of stuff to try to keep our happy little secret.
Keep growing, my little one!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. Let's just say it's been a much harder week. Morning sickness hit me like a train at full speed and I wasn't handling it well. I didn't work almost the whole week and was having a really rough time. It has been an emotional week and I've been trying to keep my composure, but I'll be honest, I'm a wimp and don't handle this very well. I think it's also hard because it seems like we/I haven't allowed myself to get as excited as last time (don't get me wrong, I'm still thrilled), just until we're more sure things are developing as they should be.
Well, yesterday I talked with my boss about my schedule and how I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle everything. Thankfully he was very understanding and cut my work load down, but I think I might have to cut it down even more. I guess we'll see.
Yesterday we had our second ultrasound! This was a fun one! We saw a teeny tiny little peanut who has a heartbeat! That was such a blessing to see. We're excited to see as our little one continues to grow and develop! Right now they call it our "diamond ring," since all we can really see is the heart and the yolk sac. The little dot on the left is the heart, and the right circle is the yolk sac.

Today was Clarrissa and Christian's second reception. I was REALLY not feeling well, but trying my best not to show it. I have a feeling my family is starting to suspect something is up. I guess we'll see!
Anyway, really not much more to report this week other than....UGH my body hates me! Haha. Until next week!

Tuesday, September 15, 2015 

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last wrote on this thing! I had another ultrasound on the 28th which was really fun! We got to see the growing peanut and see little limbs starting to form! Heartbeat was going strong which is always relieving to see. It feels like it's been forever since we've been to the doctor, even though it really hasn't. Head is in the upper right, with the little body going down the left side.

I met with Dr. Evans after this ultrasound and he honestly didn't really say much. He said he was so excited for us and talked about how he had been so worried about me when this journey started, but is so glad to see where they're going now. And that was pretty much it. He said we should schedule our first "official" appointment (the one between 9 and 12 weeks) and then we'd keep going from there.

I have been SO sick. It was getting worse and worse each week and I was in bad shape. I couldn't keep anything down, losing weight, becoming really dehydrated. Finally, this past Sunday I went in to urgent care and got an IV. I have been feeling much better since then and surprisingly haven't thrown up since then, which is like a huge improvement.
Oh, p.s. I'm 9 weeks now.
We get to see our little peanut on Thursday and then we're headed off to Oregon! I am sooo nervous for this ultrasound, but also excited. I can't stop thinking about different things I want to do in regards to the birth and having a newborn and everything. It's all exciting times, especially now that I'm not puking my guts up all the time.
We've told our families now, we couldn't keep lying to them, plus they were all suspecting anyway, especially given I was sleeping like half the day away. I still don't have much energy, but I'm working my way there and even though I'm pretty sure everyone would say my stomach is still flat, I am feeling so bulgey in my stomach and it feels like it's already sticking out to me.
All I keep doing is rubbing my belly and saying, "keep growing, little one!"

Tuesday, October 5, 2015

I'm now officially 12 weeks. Well, once again, I slacked at staying updated. The last month hasn't been as easy as I hoped. It's been BETTER, but even today I have already thrown up twice, so I'm not in the clear yet.
Well we had our first official appointment. I was so unbelievably nervous for this ultrasound. I would be past the point when I had lost the last one, and knew we'd be leaving straight from there to go to Oregon, so if it was bad news, I'd just have to deal with it for a while. I was feeling so sick in the waiting room, but I wore mascara (nonwaterproof) to try to be optimistic.
I couldn't really see the heartbeat in the baby, but it was like we had a little dancing bean in there, so it was clearly living. I almost started to cry because I felt so relieved. We had never seen our baby move around before and it is a really cool experience.

Then we got taken back and they start giving me all this stuff and asking me questions about genetic testing and on and on. It was all surreal. Finally I met with Dr. Allred, the other OBGYN at the clinic, and we talked to him about some questions we had and where we'd go from here. He said he'd like to have another ultrasound done before the anatomy scan, just to make sure the placenta isn't taking over and, of course, they'd keep track of my HCG levels. They drew my blood and we were on our way to Oregon.

While in Oregon my sister gave me her doppler and we tried to hear the heartbeat for the first time and were able to find it. Another way cool experience. We had seen it moving, but never heard it before. Loved it!

I got a call about a week later saying that my HCG levels were on the "high side of normal" so they wanted me to come in for another ultrasound. I told them I had one scheduled for the 15th, but they said they wanted me to come in the next week (this past Tuesday, the 29th).
Once again, I was so very nervous, of course my levels would be high.
Well the ultrasound check was kinda surprised to see me again, and they had taken out my fat file and made just a pregnancy one, so she didn't have all the background info anymore, but we started the ultrasound anything.
I started to panic when I didn't see Baby moving on the screen, but then she moved the wand and the little thing jumped like it was scared! I guess that woke him/her up! It was so cute to see this ultrasound, and I feel like I fell more in love with our little baby. We hadn't really seen the profile yet, it had been too small or the hand had been up by the face, blocking our view, but we got this adorable view, and I think our baby has the cutest nose!

Then the tech was looking at my file, looking at my levels and what is normal, while still holding the wand on my stomach. I started laughing and she looked at me saying, "are these numbers funny?" I pointed at the screen and this is what we saw:

I don't know why, but I just thought it was so funny, Baby just wanted to show us a little leg :)
Anyway, they drew my blood again and the next day told me the doc is much more comfortable with where my levels are at! Hooray!
We're getting more and more excited as time goes on, and we're so grateful for all the support.
Here's the beginning of my belly bump :)

I'm still having trouble eating enough, and I've lost weight. I'm excited to start gaining and to keep watching our little one grow!

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For....Drum Roll, Please

Most people who have a miscarriage are advised to wait to try for at least 3 months/cycles. I'll admit that I was pretty sad to hear that. Lately, it seems like I KEEP hearing about people who got pregnant MUCH quicker than the 3 month waiting period. (Jealous Kendra sometimes has a hard time with that). Here I am, 372 days after we found out we lost our baby, and I'm still "not allowed" to try.

As some of you may know, I had my MRI this past Tuesday. But, apparently I never blogged about my LAST MRI, so I guess I'll start there.

At the point of my last blog, we were still waiting to hear about my MRI results. I probably never wrote about what happened because I was so frustrated and hurt. Dr. Evans was out of town when I got the MRI, so we were waiting to hear from him when he got back into town. We kept trying to get a hold of his office, but things just weren't working out. One night, almost 3 weeks after the MRI, Derek and I had a long, late-night talk. We finally openly discussed how we were really feeling about the whole situation and we talked about how we really felt it was time for us to start trying and start our family. I can't tell you how good this conversation felt. It was literally like Christ, Derek, and I were sharing the yoke and together we could bear the load.

I called the office the next morning and to my surprise, things were finally working out. She said Dr. Evans wanted to meet with us and was SHOCKED that someone had cancelled and they could get us in on Monday (I think this was on a Friday). Derek and I were really wanting him to be at the appointment with me, but he had school and we weren't sure how things would work out. The lady on the phone told me the time, and I couldn't help but smiling that it perfectly fit into Derek's schedule. It felt like things were just falling into place and we were being blessed because we were relying on the Lord. Derek and I discussed how we were going to talk to Evans about our feelings and basically say, "Hey, we believe in God, we know you do, too. This is how we're feeling, what's your counsel, can we try?"

When we got to the doctor's office we literally waited for what felt like hours (and realistically probably was over an hour). When we were finally called back, Dr. Evans told us of how he had spoken with Dr. Gosewehr pretty extensively about this. My tumor/scar tissue had shrunk, but it wasn't gone. Either way I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT. That's the LAST thing "we" want right now. He said it didn't really matter if it was the tumor or the scar tissue, but that they would check my blood every month, for 3 months, and then repeat the MRI.

Derek and I were honestly so dumbfounded and upset that neither of us really said anything. I probably cried the whole way home. I'll admit, I was probably very angry with God. I felt like all these things had been prompting us and hyping us up, only to have it ripped away from us. I was hurt. I was angry. I was sad.

Fast forward 3 month.

Given how long the process was with the last MRI, I wanted to speed things up, get my MRI scheduled early and already have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans so we weren't waiting 3 weeks again.

So, like I said, I had my 3-month MRI on Tuesday. Today we had our follow-up appointment with Dr. Evans. All week Derek and I have really been trying not to get our hopes up. Wondering what bad news we were going to get; "It's grown," "nothing has changed," "it's shrunk a little, let's keep waiting 3 more months." Every possible solution had a frown on my face.

Okay, a small part of my hoped, begged, that it would be good news, but I just couldn't allow myself to feel the pain I had last time, so I quickly shut it out. We had been asking people to fast and pray for us, and as I sat in the room, waiting, I thought "why the heck do I keep telling so many people I'm having this stuff done? Now I'm going to have to tell everyone the bad news and be disappointed all over again." That's what I get for telling the world my story, I guess.

Waiting for the doctor feels like an eternity.

The nurse told me we were up next and my heart was racing. I would sit up straight, trying to be prepared, then slouch back down as I went through the scenarios in my head again. (talk about the roller coasters I put myself on). I felt like I was going to throw up. Or cry. Throw up and cry. (and let's just say I've been doing a lot of crying lately).

So, the knock on the door and the doctor walks in.

*deep breath* "I can do this, I can be strong," I think to myself.

"Well," Dr. Evans begins as I hold my breath, "the MRI looks fantastic!"

Again with the heart stopping. Had I heard that right? That wasn't one of my fathomable outcomes. *begin hyperventilation*

I'll be honest all I could think at this point was, "BABIEEEESSSS!!!!!"

But of course, I was getting ahead of myself.

He said he just got the results and hadn't had a chance to talk with Dr. Gosewehr yet (whom he greatly relies on, for which I am actually grateful, even though it's annoying to have to wait for that communication to happen). So he wanted to double check with him for what all we still needed to do. But, he said they'd check my blood and he wanted an ultrasound done within the next week. He also said that we may need to do a.....holy cow I must have been very distracted cuz I'm forgetting a lot of the names of things, but we might have to do this thing where they check the integrity of my uterine wall/lining. He wasn't sure if we'd need to, or if we'd just see how it holds up through pregnancy (which at the time seemed like "yeah, let's just get pregnant already," but now that I think about it, that sounds a little scary).

Anyway, that was pretty much all he said at that point. Then he starts dictating his report into his little recorder thing, he was saying the results of the MRI and mentioned two things that I remember thinking, "well what the heck is that? You didn't tell me that." But I don't know what exactly they were. I'd like to get my hands on that report and read it for myself. All I really care about though, is that I seem to be in the clear.

Anyway, I got my blood drawn and I went to schedule my ultrasound. Pregnancy, here I come!
Only, booooo. They can't fit me in until the 22nd, and of course, Dr. Evans will be out of town that week, so he can't get the results and talk with Dr. Gosewehr until he gets back. KILLING ME. Let's be honest, I'd like to start trying ASAP, soooo if we could get the results before I ovulate, that'd be great, thanks.

In the end, I almost cried, but not for the reasons I thought it'd be for. I almost cried because I was so elated.

I'm excited and happy, but also nervous and feel like it could still be a while before we can actually start trying, but hey. We're one step closer (even though every time we get one step closer, it seems 3 more steps are added), but I'm still grateful.

Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your fasting and your prayers. And for your support, from near and far. It means the world to me.

I don't know when we'll get pregnant, but please try not to ask me. I'm a bad liar and Derek and I aren't sure when we'll tell people given everything. But I promise that when we're ready to tell you, you'll know.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 
FIIIIIIIINAAAAAALLLYYYYYYYYYYY

Insanity

When I can't sleep 'til nearly 3, I write some good ol' poetry.


Insanity

A fear I’ve had since I was young—

one I hoped would never come.

This monster I had never seen,

but it still haunted my every dream.

One day I opened my closet door

and suddenly I heard a boisterous roar.

My heart stopped its rhythmic beat;

my cheeks were filled with a fiery heat.

I lay on the floor face to face

with a monster of the darkest race.

Dazed and afraid, chills invading my skin,

I continued my day with a counterfeit grin.

I did not tell a single soul

about my new found, secret troll.

Each day I’d timidly wake to meet

this pesky monster always at my feet.

Try as I may to just pretend,

he never left—this unwanted friend.

I learned to live like I’d moved on,

even though the monster was never gone.

My worst fear has engulfed my mind,

a way to escape it, I must find.

But all my ignoring has gone in vain,

until the moment I release my pain.

I claw and tear and scream and yell.

This is my very own terrible Hell.

And thought I cannot bid him leave,

to a different reality, I’ll continue to cleave.

Until the day when I am found,

by fear and pain, so tightly bound.

He’s overcome me; I have lost.

Into his eternal cage, I’m carelessly tossed.

Doctors Are Makin' Me Crazy

My last post was when I had just met my new oncologist--Dr. Hancock.

Let's just start out by saying my opinion of his has greatly diminished over the past few months.

It is now March and I'm getting cranky (even more) and SO INCREDIBLY ready to move past this all.

Well, after my initial meeting with Dr. Hancock, we were all kinda freaked out about waiting so long to get my blood checked again. I think I ended up waiting like 2 or 3 weeks and luckily my levels were still in the normal range. I kept trying to ask them about getting an ultrasound done. Dr. Gosewehr made it very clear that with this type of tumor, it can still be there even if my levels have normalized. The new doctor's office was terrible. They sucked at calling me back and I was getting really sick of it.

I was waiting to apply for jobs until I knew if I was going to have to do more chemo or what my situation was going to be, because I knew if I was still dealing with all of this, a job would be impractical. Finally around the end of January I figured (with Derek's prodding) that I should start applying for jobs. I applied for one, and got an interview the same day. In the mean time, Dr. Hancock's office had FINALLY gotten back to me and told me that before I had the ultrasound, he wanted to see me again. Which I thought was dumb. I think I had the meeting with him on a Monday.

Let me tell you, it was a stupid meeting and I was mad by the end of it. Basically he was like, "The reason we want to do an ultrasound is because sometimes weird things can happen with your veins/arteries when you heal from a tumor....kinda like varicose veins. They get all clumped together and whatnot. So we want to see if that's the case." I was like....okay? So what do we do if that's the case. He said we'd just watch it and see how it heals (I can't tell you how sick I am of hearing "we'll just watch it"). I thought it was weird, but then I brought up the point about how Gosewehr said I could still have the tumor and Dr. Hancock was like, "I think you're confused, because that isn't even possible." I was FUMING. Ummm...I think my GYN Oncologist would have a little better idea than you, dummy. I was just like whatever...I'll just see how the ultrasound goes. But I was feeling like Hancock didn't know what he was talking about and I was trusting his judgment less and less.

I had the interview Tuesday. Unfortunately my medical stuff came up and how I was having a doctor's appointment the next morning (my ultrasound) and I'd let him know how it went.

Wednesday I had my ultrasound. The tech and I were talking casually through the whole thing. She was really nice. She asked about my situation and seemed so surprised and really intrigued. "It's like something you read about in a book but never see! Kinda cool, well...probably not for you..." Haha. Anyway, I told her how I was nervous about what Dr. Hancock was saying and how it differed from my previous doctor. She also told me she couldn't see one of my ovaries. Which I thought was weird.. But I guess sometimes that happens. Anyway, after I got dressed and I went out, she was talking about trying to get previous images that I've had done and whatnot. Anyway, she told me (thank goodness for Idaho being so relaxed (one plus of Idaho) because this never would have happened in Oregon) that I should be really persistent with my doctor because there is definitely something still there, but they couldn't see if it had grown or shrunk or anything without the previous scans.

SO MAD. I cannot even explain to you how furious I was. Here, I had wasted another month of my life doing nothing because my stupid doctor was too arrogant and thought he HAD to be right, and nothing could possibly still be wrong. I pretty much immediately called my dad and told him I could not work with Dr. Hancock anymore. I don't care that he isn't as good as Dr. Gosewehr, but him not admitting that he doesn't know what he's talking about was killing me and I couldn't take it anymore. We were trying to figure out what options we had and basically we decided to wait to see what they said about the ultrasound and in the mean time I made sure everything was faxed to Gosewehr's office so they had all the information and I could talk to them about it.

When I FINALLY got to talk to someone at Hancock's office, she was like "Oh it's about 2cm, that's really tiny, probably not much to worry about." Are you freaking kidding me?! ANYTHING IN MY UTERUS THAT IS NOT A BABY IS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT! She said she'd have to try and get a hold of the doctor to see what he said about it. We waited. And waited. Derek got fed up and went to the office to get some answers. They were freaking closed. And they hadn't called me back. Those meanies. Finally a few hours later they call back and say, "He says it's just scar tissue and you can follow up with Dr. Evans (my obgyn) from here on out." I said you guys are dumb, you don't know what you're talking about (okay maybe I just thought that). And I'm going to try to see what my Oregon doctors say and then I'll decide if I want to work with Evans.

So, we had everything sent to Gosewehr's office. In the mean time, my dad and I were trying to see how we can get my case to Stanford Medical because our insurance works with them or something. I was feeling so distraught. Doctor Goswehr's office wasn't getting back to me, the Stanford people weren't getting in touch with my dad. I wasn't going to work with Hancock anymore, and I hadn't gotten in touch with Evan's yet. I felt like I was doctor-less (which had me really freaked out especially since I've been seeing doctors pretty consistently for the last year+). Turns out Hancock and Evans had consulted fairly extensively about me (or so they say) and felt like Evans would have a better idea of how to help me. I still felt like Hancock was just dumping me off and not wanting to deal with my case....But I was fine with not dealing with him!

Well, people started getting back to me all at once.  Evan's office wanting to follow up with me. Stanford people trying to figure out my case. Hancock's office (gag me) trying to make sure I'm following up with someone (probably just so they aren't liable, suuuure, now you care about my care). I felt like I went from no doctors, to too many doctors trying to deal with my case all in about 2 days.

Dr. Evans said he wanted to do his own ultrasound and get a look for himself. So I scheduled with him and had another ultrasound done. He also couldn't find one of my ovaries (has me more freaked out). He took some 3D images and said he'd be consulting with the GYN oncologist they work with from Salt Lake and see what she thinks. He said we had some options. We could take a biopsy of it to see what it is, we could wait and see how things develop/change (shoot me), we could try and get pregnant and see what happens, and probably more options I don't remember. But he get my blood checked and had wanted me to bring back my medical records so they could compare the new images.

When I brought them back I told my nurse I'd really appreciate it if they would send the results to Gosewehr and also if Evans would consult with him because I really trust his opinion. I guess they talked (I really wish I could hear the conversations between my doctors). Apparently they decided they wanted me to get another MRI. And Evans was going to do this different blood test as well. I guess it is Human Placental Lactogen which if high during pregnancy or something it can mean PSTT. But that dang test takes 2 weeks to get the results!

So I've had my blood tested about a week and a half ago. And had my MRI over a week ago. I'm still waiting on the results from both of those. I'm hoping to get a call today about the MRI.

These last two months have been really hard. The first month was okay, waiting on the doctor stuff and just having fun, relaxing. February was TOUGH. Having nothing to do is not all it's cracked up to be. I was getting really depressed and feeling like I was wasting my life away. I've been in a dark place. But, thanks to this, I've decided I'm going to try to go to Grad School, so I've signed up for the GRE, I've got some schools I'm looking at, and I'm applying for more and more jobs. Hopefully something to stick and help me to feel more fulfilled. For now it's just me and Jonah and some Mario Party 3 on the N64. #ineedalife

I've been dreaming about babies a lot. About having them, adopting them, loving them.

We can't decide what would be good news at this point. If I still have the tumor, maybe it's a good thing because I'm (once again) at the point that surgery seems like the next logical step since nothing else has worked. And maybe that would be good, maybe we could finally move on, and maybe we could get pregnant sooner. But things could also go very wrong with that scenario. If it's scar tissue, well it's good because it isn't a tumor... But we don't know how that would affect pregnancy, so it kinda scares me. And it could mean more waiting, which you all know how much I love that.

We're trying really hard to understand and follow God's will for us, even though it seems very hard to see at this point. We just keep praying for health and for guidance and that we'll be ready to bring a precious child into this world when the time comes. All I know is that I'm grateful for my Savior, because I've needed His strength a lot already this year, and I know I'm going to need it more and more as we move forward. I'm so blessed that He has helped me through my darkest moments, and that He's there with me in my brightest ones as well.

A Year I'll Never Forget

As the year has ended and we're starting a new year, I look back and I feel overwhelmed at this past year. As great as married life has been, this has been the hardest year of my life--starting out weighing 97 pounds from my dang bacterial infection, to getting pregnant and being overly excited yet throwing up all the time, to finding out I miscarried, to my D&C, too many blood checks to count, to 6 different doctors, to chemo, and more chemo, two moves, and lots of nausea and pain. 

I realize I haven't updated most of you about anything that has happened since I started my heavier chemo. Let me tell you, I can't remember much of it, and I don't particularly care to think about it. 

CHEMO SUCKS. 

I didn't lose my hair, and I never threw up. I slept. A lot. And was nauseous. A lot. Nausea meds only pretend to help. My numbers continued to jump up and down and multiple times I "decided" I was done with chemo, I couldn't take it any more, and that we would just go ahead and try surgery. That never happened (probably for the best). I haven't had chemo in over two weeks--that's like a record! (thank you holidays and GRADUATION!) 

Derek and I are now in Rexburg, and today I met my new doctor (#6 for this past year). He seems nice. But I bawled during our visit. 

My last blood draw in Oregon was....get this....LESS THAN ONE! I got my blood drawn here in Rexburg the morning Derek and I left for Canada. When they called me to tell me my results they said it was negative. My heart sank because I thought they just did the positive/negative test and not the number test. No bueno. BUT then she said no, the number was LESS THAN ONE so it was too small for their machines to detect it. WOAH. Less than one for two weeks in a row...not bad. 

[INSERT CHRISTMAS BREAK HERE...which was great!]

The other night I had a dream that my new doctor told me my levels shot up again and I wanted to cry.

I felt really nervous waiting for the doctor--I was all by myself and randomly felt like crying for some reason. before it even started. He asked lot of questions, trying to get my whole recent medical history figured out. We talked about my chicken pox (he confirmed I have them) and my very sore feet (which he said is due to my chicken pox). He also told me that if my blood is normal again today then I'll just have to get it checked every month for a year! WAHOO! Only once a month! That was exciting...but wait.... A year? 

My heart stopped. He said "PLEASE don't get pregnant for a year." I was literally biting my lip and pinching myself to try to keep from crying. I had been told in the past that it was 3 months HARD LINE, but six months was REALLY suggested. A year? Seriously? I've already been waiting for 7 months and dealing with all this crap and now you tell me that? Well let's just say I've been a cry baby today. My feet hurt like there is no tomorrow and my body is driving me nuts. I'm hormonal. And then my lovely new doctor tells me this. And to top it off....I think he thinks I had a molar pregnancy...every other doctor I've had seemed nearly positive it wasn't that. But whatever. He is nice, and he's probably right, it's better to wait and be safe, than the alternative. I'm just cranky and he was the bearer of bad news. It's been a rough few days. I'm just ready to be done with it all. 

Yesterday would have been my due date (approximately). I've been having a really tough time lately, seeing TONS of announcements, babies everyone and what not. Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO SO happy for people. My human self just gets really jealous and heartbroken. I was just really hoping I would be able to get pregnant this year. Hopefully 2016 will be our year! Guess Derek and I are going to have to have some big adventures together in the mean time. 

Thanks for all your guys' support. It's been a rough year with many challenges (and clearly I'm still cranky about some of them), but there have also been many beautiful moments that I'm very grateful for. Thanks for being concerned about me and being a part of my life. And for those of you reading who have babies and/or are pregnant...you better let me hold your babies...LOTS! Love you guys!