The Waiting Game

So much of life is spent waiting.
Waiting in a line; waiting at the doctor's office; waiting to turn 16; waiting for a date; waiting to get married, to have children. We look forward to certain times in our lives--when things will finally be how we want them and we'll be happy. I've contemplated this idea for some time. A man once told me that the best advice he ever received--something that really changed him--was to be happy wherever you are in life. Those events or times you look forward to, they will come; but find happiness and joy now. He told me he has really tried to live by that and it has enabled him to have a full and rich life.

With that said, I clearly need to change some things.
My life seems to be a waiting game. I'm waiting to get a job, waiting for my internship to start, waiting for Derek to get home, waiting for my darn stubborn hormone levels to go down, and waiting until we can try for a baby again. (I guess many of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. If you're a little confused try reading this, if you're completely shocked and confused then follow the previous link, but give the hyperlink in that post a read as well (the hyperlink is sad experience, I think).) Things seem to be changing very slowly with me, medically speaking. Which, to some degree is comforting given all that could happen that would rapidly alter my reality. But still, it makes me fear the cause of my very slow return to normalcy and how it will affect things in the future. I yearn for my body to respond normally and to no longer have to sit and wait for 30 minutes to over an hour just to have my blood drawn in less than a minute...every...single....week. I yearn for the time when Derek and I can create a precious new life and to finally hold that bundle of perfection in our arms. But today, I must listen to those words and stop waiting.
Today is a beautiful day to start living.

Rambling Medical Update

After my sad experience and all that transpired, we tried to move on and waited until my post-op appointment, at which point I was told I was still testing positive so they would need to check my HCG levels (the hormone the placenta gives off to tell your body you're pregnant). They didn't seem too concerned at this point because my post-op was a little earlier than most are. We spoke with the doctor and he said normally after a D&C, the HCG goes to 0 within 2 weeks. I was a few days shy of 2 weeks, but they'd check my levels and see me in a week or so. Turns out my hormone levels were somewhere in the 7,000's (if I'm remembering correctly). Needless to say, this was unexpected. My doctor was pretty worried and I had to come in to get them checked again after the weekend (which they dropped hardly anything, and then they very next day). We had to stay at the doctor's office until the got the results--we were there for like 4 hours. They had barely gone down and my OB-GYN was talking with an oncologist in Salt Lake to see what we should do and had a shot on hand that they might have to give me if things weren't going like they should. He told us the problem is that these elevated levels could be a sign of a tumor or cancer.

Over the next weeks I was going to get my blood drawn ever week to week and a half. My levels continued to go down, but very very slowly. I had a few ultrasounds and they said I had a small piece of tissue in my lining that was a normal size and didn't think it should be anything to be concerned about and my body should sluff it off. It came time for us to be moving soon so I wanted to talk to the doctor again to see what we should do when we move. He then seemed to get worried again because my levels were still in the 3,000's and it had been like 6 or 7 weeks since the D&C. He thought we might need to have another D&C and do some tests on the tissue to make sure it wasn't cancerous. I started to panic...I feared things would be bad and I feared I would never be able to have kids. Luckily, he said my level had cut in half--exactly what we wanted, and that I should be okay to go to Canada for our open house and be in Oregon with my new doctor within a week to 10 days to have them checked again. Even though he seemed less frantic, he was very serious as he told us I can't just drop off the face of the Earth and that I HAD to keep having my hormone checked. He also made it very clear he needed to talk directly to my new doctor to inform him of everything that has happened.

Anyway, we got to Oregon and had my levels checked....again. They seemed to have plateaued as they were in the 1,000 range for like three different blood draws after that cut in half. But they then dropped to 800 something and then to 600 something. I saw my new doctor and he said that the tissue is most likely still a small piece of placenta that is giving off HCG, but that it is getting weaker, which is why the levels are going down. But, just as before, we have to keep watching it in case anything changed. Basically it wasn't anything new...exceeeept...my first OB told us we had to wait to try to get pregnant again for 3 cycles, so we were hoping to be able to start trying in September. Then, with all of this junk, I still haven't had my period so I was getting discouraged because our waiting time hasn't even officially started. BUT my new OB said we can try after two cycles, so that dang thing needs to come again. I go in again today (I actually really need to go shower so I can make it on time), and hopefully things are still at least moving in the right direction. My body needs to figure it out!

Bright Lights and LED Screens

Being an aunt of 4 little boys ranging from the ages of 2 months to 5 years old, examples of where society is heading in terms of teaching youth are ever prevalent. The two oldest boys (4 and 2 at the time) each received their own “kid tablet” for Christmas this past year—filled with games and movies for them to entertain themselves. They are often heard yelling over and over “play this one! Play this one!” as they beg to watch people play video games on the Wii at their grandparent’s house. They constantly ask to watch Dora the Explorer. They sit on their tablets during quiet time, each in a room by themselves, glued to the screen with kid movies and dozens of games to teach them the alphabet, numbers, math and spelling. While watching a movie with family, the 1 year old pasted his face against the TV screen as a movie played that closely resembled a scene in 101 Dalmatians. My husband worked to soothe that same 1 year old by playing songs and the TV show The Magic School Bus on his phone for our nephew to watch. As we prepare to raise a family, I began to fear what the world we’ll raise our little one in is becoming and where he or she will learn. Will it be from Mom and Dad, or will the learning be left to the ever prevalent screens that surround us?

Technology is literally everywhere. It is in bedrooms, in backpacks and purses, on laps, in pockets, and at schools. When a question arises, technology provides the answer. With the touch of a button one can get all kinds of information and learn all kinds of things. Answers seem to be sought from some form of technology, and less sought from parents. Technology is not inherently bad; an incredible amount of good comes through it. The problem is how much time and energy goes into these devices and the missed opportunities for parents to teach their children. There is a unique bond between parent and child that provides this incredible opportunity for connection, growth, and learning as children watch their parents live life, make decisions, and solve problems. Technology can, perhaps, enhance that bond and relationship; but if used inappropriately, it can cause a great rift between parent and child. An amount of television viewing can have dramatic adverse effects. Television viewing between the ages of 5 and 15 has been linked to adverse associations with later educational success. Television viewing in adolescence has a stronger prediction with leaving school without a legitimate reason; whereas television viewing in childhood is a stronger predictor of not receiving a university degree. Something so seemingly harmless like allowing children to watch TV, can have effects that are far reaching in a time when parents could, and should, be the primary influence on the future of their children.

Another concern that arises with technology is what children are actually learning from their technology use. Kids ages 8-18 spend an average of more than 53 hours a week using entertainment media. That is over 2 full days a week spent connected to some virtual world. This is a frightening truth. Children learn through what they see and they model the examples they observe. When two full days a week are spent using media, the question must be asked what the children are really learning and internalizing. In a national study looking at over 10,000 hours of television for violent content, it was found that nearly 60% of those hours showed violent content, with only 15% showing the long-term consequences that come with it. Even if this isn’t making children more violent, the question must be asked what is it teaching our children. And is this drowning out what parents are trying—or should be trying—to teach their children?

 Parents today too often shift the responsibility of teaching children to the school or to the television. Because of this, too many children are missing out on the vital parent-child interaction where they learn about life and how to be an effective member of a family and of a society, and are replacing it with a virtual world. This virtual world and use of technology has even spread to the place designed for learning. Even most schools have some form of technological learning—whether it is the occasional use, or full-time online learning. Now once again, technology is not inherently bad! But one must ask where the line is, what is too much, and how far is too far? Schools are where children set aside time to learn about the past, math, and learn to read. Technology may help to excite students and engage them in learning. However, it may also teach them some dependence on the bright lights and LED screens. These children often are connected to a virtual world at home, and then continue to use technology when they go to school.

Along with schools, even some public libraries have iPads amongst the books that are available for kids to use. Some parents are concerned that this all too “enticing technology” is at the very place their children go to get books to read and learn from. These concerned parents may be on to something. Perhaps they question if they can compete with these instant and exciting devices. They might fear that their children will get caught up with the iPads and the computers and forget the joy that came from time with Mom and Dad. What a beautiful sight when a child sits on the lap of a parent and reads a book with them, or learns life lessons from a beloved parent. This is the type of learning and interaction that our young ones so desperately need in this world filled with screens and flashy games. Put down the device and truly interact with your child. She needs you to guide her and teach her what is right and what is good. Don’t miss out on these vibrant years of learning and growth. Be the influence in children’s lives and take the opportunity to really teach them and connect with them—separate from the “connected” world. 

God's Rest

·         What group of people was refused entrance into the Lord’s rest? The fathers of the Hebrews

·         What sins caused them to forfeit this privilege? They hardened their hearts and even thought the Lord showed Himself to them, they did not know Him

·         How does Doctrine and Covenants 84:23–24 help define what is the Lord’s rest? It says that it is His presence and the fullness of His glory.

·         What sins did Paul repeatedly warn against so as not to incur the same punishment? He warned against hardening your heart and about unbelief.

·         How do you think the warnings in Hebrews 3:12–15 apply to us? I think it applies to us today because if we have doubts or disbeliefs and we aren’t being active to remedy those beliefs, then we will be hardened and not allowed into His rest.

·         List the counsel found in Hebrews 4 that will help a person enter into the rest of the Lord. Believe, ceased from own works as God did, be without sin, have mercy and grace.

·         How do Matthew 7:21–23; John 7:17; James 1:22 help in understanding how the word needs to be “mixed with faith”? (Hebrews 4:2–3). This is talking about saying one thing and doing another, so they are mixed with faith because there is a disconnect between words and actions. 

Saints

1.      Our salvation is nearer than anticipated. We must continue to work out our salvation because we never know when we are going to die and we must be working toward becoming more like the Savior, otherwise we may be caught in our sins.

2.      Romans 12:1: Present your body as a living sacrifice to the Lord

Romans 12:2: Be transformed through the Lord and His will
Romans 12:9: Cleave to that which is good
Romans 12:13: Give to those in need
Romans 12:16: Be united
Romans 12:21: Overcome evil with good
Romans 13:1: Allow God to work in your life
Romans 13:3: Do good
Romans 13:8: Love one another
Romans 13:9: Obey the commandments

3.      Paul cautions that people should not be concerned so much about what other people are doing, because it may be right for them, but we must remember that we will all stand before the judgment seat of God, so we need to be concerned about if we’re doing what is right. From Doctrine and Covenants we learn that not only is it important to not be judging them, but to be united with them. We are all brothers and sisters under God and we need to be kind with one another and treat them as such.

4.      Paul referred to the people as saints. 

A Year of Meds, IVs, and Changes

For those of you who care to know, I figured I could use a release with writing anyway, and let people in on what has been going on lately. I plan to be brutally honest, so don't feel obligated to read or anything, and I'm not fishing for sympathy. And it's a novel--just warning.

This school year (to give it a definite beginning) has been one of the hardest times of my entire life. Last summer I probably weighed about 118. Today as I sit here writing, I weigh 99 on a good day. Fall semester was a train wreck. I was sick ALL the time and felt like my body was just trying to attack me. We didn't know what was wrong and went to the doctor many times trying to figure it out. I got my blood drawn for the first time, got IVs for the first time...and I got put on the most disgusting, horrible medication I have ever taken. This medication seemed to clear some of my symptoms, but they soon returned and it felt like we were back at square one. Derek and I were trying to plan our wedding, go to school, and deal with my health. I honestly don't know how he put up with me, but I do know that in a way it was a blessing for us because I had to learn to let go of some control and really let him into our life. We had a beautiful wedding and then that night, and most of the honeymoon, I once again wasn't feeling very well. I did my best to put on a good face, but it was rather difficult. We got back to school and once again, to the doctor's I went. We did some more testing and finally confirmed that I had C difficile--a nasty bacterial infection. I was literally brought to tears when I heard I would but put BACK on that horrible medication, and this time 3 times a day. I think I made it...3 days max before I was throwing up and couldn't take the medication anymore. I went to a GI and he basically told me he figured I was cured. This brought a brief period of mediocre health. This experience, along with the ones you will continue to read about bring me to the picture seen above. Prior to this year, I'm not sure I've ever really been on a medication...heck, I really don't like pills. But that is a picture of what I've been on and I still have evidence of. Hello junky.

Winter semester was a little easier to handle and I thought maybe things were looking up. Derek and I decided to stay during our off-track, and I quickly questioned that decision as I was completely drained with schooling. A few weeks later we got extremely exciting news--we were expecting our first baby. Floods of emotions ran through me, I had already experienced some uneasiness before we found out, so I was a little nervous how things would go. After appointments being pushed back far too many times, I once again met with the GI and he told me things looked good, and he would basically turn me over to an OBGYN. The next few weeks were....let's just say tough. I was already underweight and was finding extremely difficult to get myself to eat and started throwing up more consistently. One day Derek dragged me to the doctor's office and I refused to go in because I knew I was going to be sick and I wasn't about to throw up in front of all those people. He went in and I waited outside and threw up in the bushes. We went back in, found out that my body was starting to tear down my muscles because I wasn't getting enough in me; more IVs. They prescribed me some nausea medication--for which I was very grateful--and we anxiously waited the next week for our first "official" appointment.

Wednesday June 4th arrived and I was feeling excited and nervous as we drove up to the women's clinic for our 9-week ultrasound. We ended up waiting for quite awhile and before finally going back. The room was dark and my heart started racing as the jelly hit my stomach. We couldn't see much so we had to do a vaginal ultrasound. We saw our little peanut and she then informed us that I have a decent-sized cyst on one of my ovaries--apparently something that is common with pregnancy, and she didn't seem too worried about it. We came back to see our little one and it was then that time seemed to slow. She told us that we should see the heartbeat, but that there wasn't one. Derek started asking questions, but the moment I heard the words "I'm so sorry" my mind started to cloud and my eyes burned. I felt so numb from this point on that it is all a blur. She left, I changed. And she told us we would meet with the doctor to know what to do from here. What to do from here? This was supposed to be the day we finally got to see our child and get ready to prepare for all that was coming, and suddenly I felt almost stupid for assuming that things would be fine. Every time I felt I got control of my tears, something would happen, someone would say something, or I would replay in my mind those words "no heartbeat, I'm so sorry" over and over and I would just lose it.

The doctor finally came in and I just lost it again but I just wanted him to say what he had to say so we could leave. Most of what he said just floated over me and I tried to get a handle on the reality of things. Since I hadn't had any bleeding or cramping or anything, he told us that the body doesn't always do a good job of flushing things out and he suggested a D&C. I remember many times in church when people would say they didn't like when others referred to the Doctrine and Covenants as D&C, and now I finally comprehend why. It broke my heart even more to realize that I was about to have this precious little body, not even 2 cm in length, sucked out of me. We left the doctor and went to the hospital to register for my surgery. Woah. Surgery. That is a new one. Obviously a small one, I would just be there for a short time and have a fairly quick recovery. But wow, it all was just rushing past me and I didn't understand what was going on.

We finally got home and Derek and I both just lost it. We knew we had to tell our families, I tried to call my mom and when she finally answered I just started bawling and I couldn't say a word. Derek had to break the news to her. He gave me a blessing and then called a friend from the ward, asking to give him a blessing. Those friends later brought us dinner, dessert, and movies. I'm so grateful for the supportive family and friends we have, otherwise, I honestly don't know what I would do. I tried to sleep, I desperately wanted to sleep. All I could think of was how desperately I just wanted to see our little peanut, whether it was one last time on the ultrasound, or see that tiny, perfect body. It killed me to know with wouldn't be a reality. It took what felt like hours until I finally drifted to a state of unconsciousness. Within a 6 hour period I got up twice to go to the bathroom, and eventually Derek woke up to go to his lab. I just laid in bed for as long as I could. I was ordered to fast from midnight on the morning of my surgery (today, the 5th). I don't know if you can comprehend what that is like for me. I'm at a much lower weight than I would like to be, and I had barely been able to keep food down, but my stomach is only so big, and I get really nauseous when it gets too empty. Some how I made it.

Finally it was time to make our way to the hospital. We checked in and got taken back to day surgery. And so the adventure began. I started to put on my hospital gown and I decided it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom first. I open the door to the bathroom (completely naked, I might add) to find out this is a shared bathroom, and the door to the hallway is wide open. I quickly ran to cover and Derek closed the door. Thank Heavens I was the only person in surgery today; otherwise I might not have made it through the rest of the day. I've never been in a hospital bed before. I got another IV, and was quickly getting warm and sweaty (I blame the nerves). People kept coming in, asking questions, asking what they could do for me...but I just didn't know what to tell them. Everyone was really nice, but they all seemed so calm and like it was no big deal. A part of me resented it. This was a huge deal, I just found out we lost our baby and here I was, for my first surgery, to have it removed. The anesthetist came in and gave me a brief explanation of what was going to happen and then in a very heart-felt voice uttered "I'm really sorry you have to go through this." My word, I respected that woman. She didn't sit and wallow or fawn over us, but she recognized the pain of our situation and what I had to go through, and she simply made me feel she understood.

We then found out the doctor was running late and would be another half hour. I was getting antsy at this point, and really beginning to worry about my hunger level. When the half hour time had nearly passed, they came in again to say that he was going to be even later and now didn't even have an estimate for when he would arrive. Waiting, waiting, and waiting. Finally I heard his voice in the hallway and he came in to tell us that he had a serious emergency he had to attend to but that we would quickly get things going. The nurse took my bed back to the operating room and my anxiety was building. My heart really raced as she opened the door and some unknown person wheeled me in. I've never seen an operating room before, and here I was facing it alone, for something I really didn't want to happen. They raised my bed up and put me next to the table. I moved myself over and they began putting things all over me. I heard a male voice behind me, who I assumed was my doctor, but then realized he was much too young to be my doctor. They started strapping my arms down and monitoring my rates. The last thing I remember is this male telling me he was going to give me some medication in the IV, but he would tell me when he was giving me the sleepy stuff. I told them I hoped I didn't do anything crazy, they reaffirmed I would be fine. The next thing I know, I'm waking up back in my hospital bed in...a recovery room, I guess? I really want to know if that guy lied to me, or if I just don't remember him telling me he was putting me to sleep. Guess I'll never know. I never saw my doctor in the operating room, and apparently he had already come and talked to Derek and left by the time the wheeled me back into my room, but I assume he did his job. We waited for awhile, finally got some food in me, and I was on my way. Let me tell you, it is a strange thing having things on you body that you don't remember being put there.

We came home, and it was time to rest, and start grasping the reality that things had to get back to normal. Emotions, emotions, emotions. It's hard to see all these baby things for sale, people posting their cute ultrasounds, or pictures of their babies, or even seeing old pictures of when I was holding my new nephews, knowing that this no longer will be a reality for us for quite some time. I know the pain would probably multiply tremendously if we had to face this further down the road, but I'll admit, it is especially difficult not feeling any different, but knowing I no longer have that precious child growing within me. To make matters worse, I feel like my stomach is even bigger today, thank you Mother Nature. In all reality though, I know we really are blessed with all these people that care about us and look out for us. It has been a tremendously difficult journey, and I know it isn't going to be easy from here on out as I recover physically and emotionally, but it brings such peace to know that God has a plan for me and for our family, and that someday we will be able to bring home a little one we can call our own. Here's to hoping things look up and sleep rests easily tonight. Thanks for all the love and support.

Romans 6

 What must be done with sin before baptism can occur? Before baptism can occur, we must lay done our life of sin and not continue in it any longer.

What events from Christ’s life are symbolized in baptism? Baptism symbolizes Christ laying down anything that is not of God and that life dying, and then also His resurrection and rising again, never to taste of death again.

Considering this symbolism, why couldn’t someone be baptized by sprinkling? We cannot be baptized by sprinkling because the life of sin isn’t being buried and dying. That would mean that it is still a part of us. Therefore, the baptism would be void.

What do these verses teach us about how we can maintain the “newness of life”? I think when we continue to put aside that life of sin and unite ourselves with the Savior, we can maintain the newness of life and walk with Him.

According to Mosiah 3:19, what part of us would ideally die at baptism? The part of us that would die at baptism would be the natural man. Anything that keeps us from being a saint and from becoming like a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit, would need to die.

Study Romans 6:14–23. Write a paragraph that describes how we know whose servant we are. Then write a statement identifying the true source of freedom.

We can know whose servant we are by if we are sinning or if we are righteous—when we are sinning we are serving the Devil. When we are righteous, we are serving the Lord. If we are obeying the Lord and serving Him, we will have peace and we will be free. The true source of freedom is righteousness.