Phone Calls That Make You Cry

This week has been one of the biggest roller coasters of my life. A lot of new information, so bear with me. (But then again, I guess if you're reading this, you've probably been keeping up on my situation, so maybe you're interested...) If you get bored of reading, please skip to the end and at least read the last two paragraphs! 

Phone call 1: Dr. Bair called me Tuesday (the 9th). He told me that after my shot of methotrexate, my levels should drop by 25-30%, but instead they went up--what we had feared would happen all along. He said it wasn't a big jump up by any means, but the fact that it went up at all, especially after the chemo shot, was extremely disconcerting. He talked about how things can spread to the lungs and liver and some other stuff, and brought up how something with my liver levels was weird with one of my previous checks, but I'm not really sure what he's talking about (I would be having that checked again the next day). He said I would likely need to have like CT scans and my chest looked at. He reminded me the numbers are still really small, so it's really unlikely that they'll show anything, but that I'd probably need them. He said he felt it was best for me to see the gynecologic oncologist from here on out. He told me he would call him and that the oncology office would call me.

At this point I was seriously starting to freak out. Going up is NOT a good sign, and I just wanted to be done and move past all of this, but this news made me feel like I just had to start all over with everything. I cried. I talked to Derek, and I just kept thinking about the worst and thinking about my blood draw the next morning, worrying it would have an even bigger jump.

Phone call 2: Later (actually on the way to take Grandma to, what I later learned, would be the same office) the oncologist called me and basically it just seemed like he was making sure it was okay to set up an appointment to meet with me. He said it isn't cancer (I'm not sure how they can be so sure at this point, but whatever) and that it isn't the THREAT they're so concerned about, it's the persistence of my tissue/hormones/whatever. He said we'll either be adding another chemo treatment with the methotrexate or replacing it with this new treatment. He didn't mention anything about scans or anything. I'm still going in tomorrow to have my blood drawn (at the OB/GYN, not the oncologists). The oncologist said that his "people" would be calling me back today to schedule the appointment and that if they didn't call by the end of the day, to call his office. I asked him if I would still be able to have children and he reassured me that this will NOT affect that. The one piece of relief I got.

Well his office never called, so when I got back from my internship, I called Dr. Bair's office to get the oncology number and then called them. His scheduler wasn't even there any more! I was kinda frustrated, but then I got a reminder call about an appointment for Thursday (today) at 11:30. Apparently they just decided not to ask me when works best. I'll be at my internship at that time, but luckily it is literally across the street from the doctor, so oh well. 

Phone call 3/office visit: Wednesday morning I received a call from Dr. Gosewehr's scheduler (the oncologist) and said she'd like to schedule all my appointments through October, and asked me to come in since I would be right by there for my blood draw. Well, I got my blood taken and then went to meet with her. She starts listing off all these dates and appointments. Treatments. EIGHT treatments were scheduled. Every week I would have a treatment--starting tomorrow. Every other week I would meet with the doctor and evaluate where things are at. When I left the office I had a melt down. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't ready for all of this, I didn't want stupid chemo for 2 months and all the restrictions that come with it. I didn't want any of this.

I skyped with my parents and it calmed me down some, but I still was feeling cranky about the whole situation. I'm only 21 years old, and I'm not ready to be getting chemo weekly (I don't think I'd ever be ready, but still).

Phone call 4: Dr. Bair called yesterday. I saw his name on the phone and anticipated him to tell me they shot up even more and blah blah blah. When I hear the words "152, they went down more than half!" I felt a rush of relief. He said he was so excited he wanted to get me the results as soon as he knew. He said he felt very optimistic with that drop--and for the most part so do I. He said I would still finish things out with Dr. Gosewehr, and he would counsel me on when I can get pregnant again, but that this was a great sign. 

I was SO excited to hear they had dropped, but I guess I'm still worried because we've had drops before and then it really mellows out. Hopefully that won't be the case this time and maybe I'll be back to "normal" quicker than expected. I guess his comment about counselling with us about when we can get pregnant and how we usually want to wait a little longer with this got me bummed out. But, I know it will be so worth it when the time comes. What a roller coaster this year has been. Once again, I'm hopeful this is the beginning of the end...for real this time. Well this is how I was feeling...until today.

Today I went to my internship and then got to the oncologist's office a little before 11:30. I was anxious for Derek to get there. They called me back and took my blood. I asked what all they were testing.They did another CBC, something else that tests like....everything including liver and kidney functions, and then my HCG levels. Then I went back out to the lobby and Derek finally got there as I was filling out a bunch of paperwork. We waited. And waited. When it was like 12:15 I finally went up there are asked if they knew how much longer it would be. She said if I hadn't gotten called back in 15 more minutes, to let her know. Well 20 went by so I went up and they finally took me back. The nurse took my weight, blood pressure, and temperature and then took us back to this small, quaint room with comfy chairs and a couch. She said the PA would come in, and then the doctor. We WAITED. Fiiiiinally the PA came in and asked us some very brief questions, then said Docter Gosewehr would be in shortly. When 1:20 came around Derek finally said that he couldn't wait any longer and had to get back to work. I understood but I was really bummed that he wouldn't be with me when the docter came to talk. 

A little while later he finally came in. Most of what he said kinda went over my head. Important things: I'll still be able to get pregnant, but I'm supposed to wait 6 months after my last treatment (I wanted to cry when he told me that, but I held it together). He told me they were switching my medication to LSNFOSJDNFLSDN (every time he said it I could not understand him but later learned it is dactinomycin)... And that I would have it every other week, and continue to have my weekly blood tests. He said I'd keep getting it until my levels reached 0 and then I think he said I'll have two more treatments after that. Booo. I was not excited. He gave me a lot of information that I don't really remember...hence me wanting someone there with me, but oh well. He did a pelvic exam and told me that everything looked normal. He said I would be scheduled with CT scans of my abdomen and pelvis and have a chest xray. He said that it isn't too serious now, but they need to check everything so they don't miss something and that it has the potential to get serious. Honestly, it relieves me they're doing the scans. I would rather have them done and know I'm clear, rather than keep waiting and miss something. 

Anyway, then I got taken to the treatment room. Doctor Gosewehr and the treatment givers were all really nice and super funny. It was such a weird feeling in the the treatment room. There were all these big, tan, leather chairs with people everywhere hooked up to IVs. I can safely say I was the youngest person in the room (Doctos Gosewehr told me most of his patients are in their 80's so when we talked about contraceptives (which ps. he told me condoms weren't good enough, but I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to use hormone methods...so what do I use?) he said he wasn't really up to date on those since none of his patients really have to worry about them). When I brought my grandma to the office on Tuesday I wondered what it was like back there with people getting treatment. Little did I know that two days later I would be one of them. I kept looking around at all these people and wondering what their lives were like and what stage in their treatment they were at. Some were bald, some looked really sick, and others looked completely "normal". When I was first sitting down a couple walked in and asked me if some other lady was with me, I told them I was alone and the husband said "well now she's with you! You aren't alone!" (referring to his wife, who is a doctor, who was getting treatment). It was really sweet. 

Well I got my treatment and then finally at nearly 4 I was able to come home. I've had a headache and I was just hit with some decent nausea. I sure hope the drugs they give me work and that I don't feel like crap for the next who knows how long. 

I just have to say, with all of this, I have been so blown away with the love and prayers Derek and I have received on our behalf. It means the word to me. I was thinking about my friend from my previous ward, Nikki, and thought I should talk to her about her chemo experience. When I got on my computer I had a great, long message from her. I seriously wanted to cry. I was blown away that we both had received the prompting from the Lord to talk to each other and so grateful that she followed that prompting. I'm so glad that even though things kinda suck right now, the Lord still lets me know that He is aware of me and is looking out for me. I'm blessed, even if things aren't ideal. We all are!

*****IMPORTANT LAST NOTE!!!!!*****
I need to stay any from anyone who has had a fever within the last two days (from when I see them)...and probably people who have been in contact with feverish people, to be safe. SOOO...warn me if you have a fever, or just shoot me a message instead of seeing me. But I love company. And would actually love if someone wanted to come with me in two weeks when I meet with the doctor and have my next treatment, but warning! It could take all day...

Adding a New Word to my Vocab: Chemotherapy

I walked into my room this morning after getting my weekly blood draw, planning to make my bed and start the laundry. I looked at Derek's pillow and wondered why it was in such a weird position. Then I remembered. He knows I like to have his body pressed against my back while I'm sleeping. When he left for work this morning, he moved his pillow there to give me some comfort while he was away. What a sweet husband I have.
Later in the day I realized that I had a missed call from my OB/GYN's office. I listened to the voicemail to find out it was the doctor himself....not too common that he is the one to call me. It said to call him back on his direct line (gave me the number) and that he needed to talk to me soon.
My heart started racing, my breathing sped up, my stomach dropped, my hands got cold and sweaty.I knew it couldn't be good news if he was in such a rush to talk to me. Had my levels gone up? Were things really bad? Was I going to be okay? I called him back and he told me he was with a patient but would call me in about 10 minutes. I laid in bed, waiting and worrying for at least 30 minutes. Finally the phone rang; I felt like I could throw up.
He talked about how it had been 3 months since my D&C and that although my levels were still dropping, he was concerned. He consulted with his gynecologist/oncologist buddy and they didn't feel comfortable just continuing on the plan we had (to have my levels checked weekly until they went to 0), they were going down too slowly. Although he told me it was not technically "cancer" by definition, the cells were not acting normally and we needed to "aggressively eradicate" them. He told me I would need to get a shot called Methotrexate--chemotherapy. He said that the tissue was so small you probably wouldn't even be able to pick it up on an ultrasound or an MRI, but it still needed to be taken care of. He said it should only take one shot and my HCG levels should go down rapidly after that, but I'll have to get them checked again next week and could need a second shot. He said it will be a low dosage, so I shouldn't have too many side-effects, but it could cause nausea, vomiting, tiredness, and dry mouth (YAY!) With my luck, it'll make me as sick as a dog.
I have to go in tomorrow morning to have my blood drawn to do a CBC, wait at the doctor's office for like an hour to an hour and a half while they get the results, and then I would get my nice cancer-fighting shot.
A word to the wise, don't look medical stuff up on the internet...it just makes you freak out. A lot.
I'm sure things will be fine, and hopefully this is the beginning of the end of all my medical difficulties (or at least the current ones).
All I have to say is...I better still have my hair after this is done!

The Waiting Game

So much of life is spent waiting.
Waiting in a line; waiting at the doctor's office; waiting to turn 16; waiting for a date; waiting to get married, to have children. We look forward to certain times in our lives--when things will finally be how we want them and we'll be happy. I've contemplated this idea for some time. A man once told me that the best advice he ever received--something that really changed him--was to be happy wherever you are in life. Those events or times you look forward to, they will come; but find happiness and joy now. He told me he has really tried to live by that and it has enabled him to have a full and rich life.

With that said, I clearly need to change some things.
My life seems to be a waiting game. I'm waiting to get a job, waiting for my internship to start, waiting for Derek to get home, waiting for my darn stubborn hormone levels to go down, and waiting until we can try for a baby again. (I guess many of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. If you're a little confused try reading this, if you're completely shocked and confused then follow the previous link, but give the hyperlink in that post a read as well (the hyperlink is sad experience, I think).) Things seem to be changing very slowly with me, medically speaking. Which, to some degree is comforting given all that could happen that would rapidly alter my reality. But still, it makes me fear the cause of my very slow return to normalcy and how it will affect things in the future. I yearn for my body to respond normally and to no longer have to sit and wait for 30 minutes to over an hour just to have my blood drawn in less than a minute...every...single....week. I yearn for the time when Derek and I can create a precious new life and to finally hold that bundle of perfection in our arms. But today, I must listen to those words and stop waiting.
Today is a beautiful day to start living.

Rambling Medical Update

After my sad experience and all that transpired, we tried to move on and waited until my post-op appointment, at which point I was told I was still testing positive so they would need to check my HCG levels (the hormone the placenta gives off to tell your body you're pregnant). They didn't seem too concerned at this point because my post-op was a little earlier than most are. We spoke with the doctor and he said normally after a D&C, the HCG goes to 0 within 2 weeks. I was a few days shy of 2 weeks, but they'd check my levels and see me in a week or so. Turns out my hormone levels were somewhere in the 7,000's (if I'm remembering correctly). Needless to say, this was unexpected. My doctor was pretty worried and I had to come in to get them checked again after the weekend (which they dropped hardly anything, and then they very next day). We had to stay at the doctor's office until the got the results--we were there for like 4 hours. They had barely gone down and my OB-GYN was talking with an oncologist in Salt Lake to see what we should do and had a shot on hand that they might have to give me if things weren't going like they should. He told us the problem is that these elevated levels could be a sign of a tumor or cancer.

Over the next weeks I was going to get my blood drawn ever week to week and a half. My levels continued to go down, but very very slowly. I had a few ultrasounds and they said I had a small piece of tissue in my lining that was a normal size and didn't think it should be anything to be concerned about and my body should sluff it off. It came time for us to be moving soon so I wanted to talk to the doctor again to see what we should do when we move. He then seemed to get worried again because my levels were still in the 3,000's and it had been like 6 or 7 weeks since the D&C. He thought we might need to have another D&C and do some tests on the tissue to make sure it wasn't cancerous. I started to panic...I feared things would be bad and I feared I would never be able to have kids. Luckily, he said my level had cut in half--exactly what we wanted, and that I should be okay to go to Canada for our open house and be in Oregon with my new doctor within a week to 10 days to have them checked again. Even though he seemed less frantic, he was very serious as he told us I can't just drop off the face of the Earth and that I HAD to keep having my hormone checked. He also made it very clear he needed to talk directly to my new doctor to inform him of everything that has happened.

Anyway, we got to Oregon and had my levels checked....again. They seemed to have plateaued as they were in the 1,000 range for like three different blood draws after that cut in half. But they then dropped to 800 something and then to 600 something. I saw my new doctor and he said that the tissue is most likely still a small piece of placenta that is giving off HCG, but that it is getting weaker, which is why the levels are going down. But, just as before, we have to keep watching it in case anything changed. Basically it wasn't anything new...exceeeept...my first OB told us we had to wait to try to get pregnant again for 3 cycles, so we were hoping to be able to start trying in September. Then, with all of this junk, I still haven't had my period so I was getting discouraged because our waiting time hasn't even officially started. BUT my new OB said we can try after two cycles, so that dang thing needs to come again. I go in again today (I actually really need to go shower so I can make it on time), and hopefully things are still at least moving in the right direction. My body needs to figure it out!

Bright Lights and LED Screens

Being an aunt of 4 little boys ranging from the ages of 2 months to 5 years old, examples of where society is heading in terms of teaching youth are ever prevalent. The two oldest boys (4 and 2 at the time) each received their own “kid tablet” for Christmas this past year—filled with games and movies for them to entertain themselves. They are often heard yelling over and over “play this one! Play this one!” as they beg to watch people play video games on the Wii at their grandparent’s house. They constantly ask to watch Dora the Explorer. They sit on their tablets during quiet time, each in a room by themselves, glued to the screen with kid movies and dozens of games to teach them the alphabet, numbers, math and spelling. While watching a movie with family, the 1 year old pasted his face against the TV screen as a movie played that closely resembled a scene in 101 Dalmatians. My husband worked to soothe that same 1 year old by playing songs and the TV show The Magic School Bus on his phone for our nephew to watch. As we prepare to raise a family, I began to fear what the world we’ll raise our little one in is becoming and where he or she will learn. Will it be from Mom and Dad, or will the learning be left to the ever prevalent screens that surround us?

Technology is literally everywhere. It is in bedrooms, in backpacks and purses, on laps, in pockets, and at schools. When a question arises, technology provides the answer. With the touch of a button one can get all kinds of information and learn all kinds of things. Answers seem to be sought from some form of technology, and less sought from parents. Technology is not inherently bad; an incredible amount of good comes through it. The problem is how much time and energy goes into these devices and the missed opportunities for parents to teach their children. There is a unique bond between parent and child that provides this incredible opportunity for connection, growth, and learning as children watch their parents live life, make decisions, and solve problems. Technology can, perhaps, enhance that bond and relationship; but if used inappropriately, it can cause a great rift between parent and child. An amount of television viewing can have dramatic adverse effects. Television viewing between the ages of 5 and 15 has been linked to adverse associations with later educational success. Television viewing in adolescence has a stronger prediction with leaving school without a legitimate reason; whereas television viewing in childhood is a stronger predictor of not receiving a university degree. Something so seemingly harmless like allowing children to watch TV, can have effects that are far reaching in a time when parents could, and should, be the primary influence on the future of their children.

Another concern that arises with technology is what children are actually learning from their technology use. Kids ages 8-18 spend an average of more than 53 hours a week using entertainment media. That is over 2 full days a week spent connected to some virtual world. This is a frightening truth. Children learn through what they see and they model the examples they observe. When two full days a week are spent using media, the question must be asked what the children are really learning and internalizing. In a national study looking at over 10,000 hours of television for violent content, it was found that nearly 60% of those hours showed violent content, with only 15% showing the long-term consequences that come with it. Even if this isn’t making children more violent, the question must be asked what is it teaching our children. And is this drowning out what parents are trying—or should be trying—to teach their children?

 Parents today too often shift the responsibility of teaching children to the school or to the television. Because of this, too many children are missing out on the vital parent-child interaction where they learn about life and how to be an effective member of a family and of a society, and are replacing it with a virtual world. This virtual world and use of technology has even spread to the place designed for learning. Even most schools have some form of technological learning—whether it is the occasional use, or full-time online learning. Now once again, technology is not inherently bad! But one must ask where the line is, what is too much, and how far is too far? Schools are where children set aside time to learn about the past, math, and learn to read. Technology may help to excite students and engage them in learning. However, it may also teach them some dependence on the bright lights and LED screens. These children often are connected to a virtual world at home, and then continue to use technology when they go to school.

Along with schools, even some public libraries have iPads amongst the books that are available for kids to use. Some parents are concerned that this all too “enticing technology” is at the very place their children go to get books to read and learn from. These concerned parents may be on to something. Perhaps they question if they can compete with these instant and exciting devices. They might fear that their children will get caught up with the iPads and the computers and forget the joy that came from time with Mom and Dad. What a beautiful sight when a child sits on the lap of a parent and reads a book with them, or learns life lessons from a beloved parent. This is the type of learning and interaction that our young ones so desperately need in this world filled with screens and flashy games. Put down the device and truly interact with your child. She needs you to guide her and teach her what is right and what is good. Don’t miss out on these vibrant years of learning and growth. Be the influence in children’s lives and take the opportunity to really teach them and connect with them—separate from the “connected” world. 

God's Rest

·         What group of people was refused entrance into the Lord’s rest? The fathers of the Hebrews

·         What sins caused them to forfeit this privilege? They hardened their hearts and even thought the Lord showed Himself to them, they did not know Him

·         How does Doctrine and Covenants 84:23–24 help define what is the Lord’s rest? It says that it is His presence and the fullness of His glory.

·         What sins did Paul repeatedly warn against so as not to incur the same punishment? He warned against hardening your heart and about unbelief.

·         How do you think the warnings in Hebrews 3:12–15 apply to us? I think it applies to us today because if we have doubts or disbeliefs and we aren’t being active to remedy those beliefs, then we will be hardened and not allowed into His rest.

·         List the counsel found in Hebrews 4 that will help a person enter into the rest of the Lord. Believe, ceased from own works as God did, be without sin, have mercy and grace.

·         How do Matthew 7:21–23; John 7:17; James 1:22 help in understanding how the word needs to be “mixed with faith”? (Hebrews 4:2–3). This is talking about saying one thing and doing another, so they are mixed with faith because there is a disconnect between words and actions. 

Saints

1.      Our salvation is nearer than anticipated. We must continue to work out our salvation because we never know when we are going to die and we must be working toward becoming more like the Savior, otherwise we may be caught in our sins.

2.      Romans 12:1: Present your body as a living sacrifice to the Lord

Romans 12:2: Be transformed through the Lord and His will
Romans 12:9: Cleave to that which is good
Romans 12:13: Give to those in need
Romans 12:16: Be united
Romans 12:21: Overcome evil with good
Romans 13:1: Allow God to work in your life
Romans 13:3: Do good
Romans 13:8: Love one another
Romans 13:9: Obey the commandments

3.      Paul cautions that people should not be concerned so much about what other people are doing, because it may be right for them, but we must remember that we will all stand before the judgment seat of God, so we need to be concerned about if we’re doing what is right. From Doctrine and Covenants we learn that not only is it important to not be judging them, but to be united with them. We are all brothers and sisters under God and we need to be kind with one another and treat them as such.

4.      Paul referred to the people as saints.