Splitting up and reforming families

Separation. Divorce. Remarriages.

Topics I was not at all thrilled to read/learn about.

However, this became a topic that brought more joy to me than I thought it could. Yes, it is really sad to think about families splitting up, and I still don't like thinking about it. But, learning about remarriages and blended families and how you can diminish the typical difficulties in them made me really excited for some reason.

 Some interesting statistics we learned this week:

• After being divorced for 2 years, 70% of those people regret the divorce and could've saved it.
• 95% of people say they're satisfied with their marriage. (it isn't true that everyone is so unhappy in their marriages)
• It usually takes 2 years for blended families to reach normalcy. 

My professor married his wife when she already had two kids. His wife came in and they told us about their experiences. As we were closing up the class, he told us a video/song that his adopted son (one of the ones from his wife's previous marriage) showed him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

I was tearing up and realized how great of a professor I have. We have the choice of how we treat our families and the example we set for them. He said that sometimes we glorify having the same genes as our children, but really we can be great parents whether they have our genes or not.

I've learned so much from this class and I have so much more confidence in my ability to have a successful, happy family!

Raising those kiddlets

Parenting! My favorite subject! I just absolutely love learning about how we can become better parents and the effects of certain parenting styles. The biggest thing that stuck out to me this week was about what happens when children don't have their needs met--which needs don't just stop with food and shelter. People need things like contact and a sense of belonging, along with a feeling of some type of power. When these types of needs aren't being met, kids often act out and we attribute negative motives to them, when in reality they are just seeking to satisfy needs and may not know where to find them.

My professor told us a story about this little boy who used to be in his ward that drove people crazy. He was that boy that is all over the place, going crazy, stands way too close to you, and seeks attention in obnoxious ways. My professor said that one day this boy jumped unto his head. Brother Williams freaked out and threw him on the ground. He was stunned and couldn't believe what he had done. He preceded to apologize incessantly. The kid looked up and said "It's okay, my mom told me something like this would happen eventually." My professor decided to try something. During every transition period he would seek this boy out and talk to him, he would put his arm around him and show genuine interest. Very soon after he started doing this, the boy calmed down. His contact and belonging needs were being met so he didn't need to try to seek them out in outrageous ways.
Too often we see people like this--whose needs are not being met and they're doing whatever they can to try to fill those needs--and we push them away, making their needs even less met. Instead we should help them to meet their needs and this unbalance will likely diminish.

Dads and worrrrrk

I don't have too much to say this week since it was thanksgiving and we only had one class! But this week we studied about the importance of fathers and how working mothers affect the family. I could not believe how much families benefit from having a father involved in the family--I mean I guess it makes sense, but I didn't expect the value to be so tremendous. I really want my husband to be extremely involved in our family so that our children will have that strong influence.
I learned something about myself this week...I am conflicted. The more I become invested in my schooling, the more passionately I feel about it. This makes me want to share my knowledge with people and to bless other families. But I've always wanted to be home with my kids and learning about the benefits of that, makes me want to be there. It's just a conflict within myself. Maybe I can find a way to help families from home.

Talkin' it up!

Well this week we talked about everyone's favorite topic------COMMUNICATION! Three things go into communicating with others: nonverbal cues, tone of voice, and the actual words. I think I get really caught up in the words I'm saying, heck, I love words! But in reality, the actual words we say have little to do with the message we send. Communication is a case where it doesn't matter so much what we think we're sending, but what matters is the message that is received.
Try to imagine this as a circular diagram (it was kinda hard to make) but this is how communication works:

thoughts and feelings=>encode=>send through a media=>decoded
^                                                                              v
^                                                                              v
Decoded<=send through a media<=encode<=thoughts and feelings<=

You can see that there is a lot of room for misinterpretation as we try to figure out our own feelings and the feelings of others. This day brought me back to the symbolic interaction theory and how often people aren't meaning to send the message we receive.
It's important to create shared meanings so that you both know what you are talking about when you say certain things. I think this helps us to feel connected and better understand each other.
We also got this cool tip:

Describe the situation
Express feelings/opinions
Assert your wishes
Reinforce, reward people who respond positively
Mindful--stay on topic
Appear confident
Negotiate--willingness to give to get

I am a little apprehensive about parts of this model, but I think overall it's pretty good.

We're goin' crazy!

This week it was all about crises and how families deal with them. Crisis is defined as something that makes it so a family can no longer function as it did before the event. We learned a cool little formula:

Actual event--observable part, the stressor
Both resources and responses--attitudes, $, insurance skills, flexibility, cohesion, lean vs. blame, church
Cognitions--how they perceive the event
------------
total eXperience--the crisis

It was cool to learn about how it isn't the event that determines whether the family will survive or not, but rather how the family deals with it. Certain things make it easier for a family to deal with crisis like the things under the resources and responses. The way we think about a crisis really affects how we experience it and how the family will be able to function after the crisis. Our thoughts sure do have a lot of power!

Some tips we got were:

• "It's the structure, not the stressor"  We often focus on the actual event and not how we deal with it, but really it's the structure of our family and what we choose to do that affects how we'll be afterward.
• "Making decisive acts, being mindful of other's situations, and not following natural tendencies tends to lead to improvement through crisis." Families can either go through crisis and be worse off, the same, or better off afterward. I think most of us want to be better off, so if we think about how we're acting and choose to be agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon, our families will be better off following a crisis. 
• "If it doesn't get resolved, it won't change." Too often we think if we just kind of ignore things and let them "blow over" they'll go away, but this often leads to extended periods of hard feelings that are unresolved.
• "Observe and describe reality" ex: I'm really sad and it's hard to deal with VS. I'm really sad , it isn't fair that someone did this to me. 

We're all bound to face a crisis at some point in our family lives, but we can choose to make the best of it and come out better than we were before!

"We often think the event creates the feeling but in reality our thoughts of the event create our feelings which lead to our actions...we decide how we respond to events."

No! No! No! Go!

This week the topic was sexual intimacy. I was really surprised with how interesting this topic was and how much I learned. I really love when sexual relations are talked about in light of God's plan and how it should be, instead of just that it's bad--which isn't the case at all! I loved how my professor addressed some flaws LDS culture (I guess that's a little ironic). In the LDS culture, what we're too often taught comes off as sexuality being bad (instead of sacred and not appropriate at the time), and then we get married and are expected to just GO (hence the title of this blog)! Brother Williams talked about how we don't need to rush things even after we get married and we discussed what this bond really is about.
We also talked about how people too often think that a good sex life is what majorly contributes to a happy marriage. Sure, it's a factor, but it isn't as big as many think. And it's more of a thermometer (according to our book)...generally if the marriage is going well, the physical intimacy will be going well, if the marriage isn't going well, neither will the physical intimacy. I think that's because it is SO much more than just being physical, it's really uniting two people and an expression of love, so if you aren't showing your love in other ways, then the physical intimacy won't be as satisfying.
We also talked about affairs! It never occurred to me how much really is cheating. We discussed the emotional detached and attached involvement and the physical detached and attached involvement. We also read about a newly married woman who didn't realized she was emotionally attached to another man and that this was infidelity. She was so upset and never wanted to compromise anything with her husband. She realized she had to change the way she thought and her actions. We have to be really careful about what we're doing and how we interact with people of the opposite sex. We do not want to be unfaithful and cause problems in our marriages.

Taking the plunge

From the weddings to marriages--what makes them good? People can go absolutely crazy over an extravagant wedding and do a lot less to prepare for the actual marriage. Transitioning into marriage can be difficult, here two separate people, two separate lives, suddenly become one--or hopefully they do. When two people get married, they've got to figure out lots of things--what traditions they'll follow, who will do what work, how decisions are made and many, many more things.

This week I learned about what can affect marital satisfaction. It was interesting to see the different trends for the level of marital satisfaction. We talked about how children affect marital satisfaction. Apparently the marital satisfaction tends to be rising and rising in the first little while of marriage (no surprise there). And then when the first child comes it tends to decrease slightly. This kind of surprised me--I thought babies were supposed to bring joy and happiness! But we talked about how it is only slightly lower and we discussed things to prevent the satisfaction from declining too significantly! I loved talking about how we should involve the husband (/father) a lot in the pregnancy--let him talk to the belly/baby, bring him to the doctor's visits, pick out baby things together, have him be really involved in the labor, and discuss things that will change once the baby comes. We learned about how too often women use this as a time to bond with other women,  which only ostracizes the husband. In reality, these special times should be shared between husband and wife to bring them closer together and to bond them to each other and to the baby. It's a really important bond we don't want to miss out on! 

Moral of the story, build connections with your spouse and make sure you are creating your own family and talking about how things will change and they'll go much smoother! 

It's all about the loooove

L-O-V-E...The thing we all want to find. As a female, love is something that is often on my mind, though I have never before experienced learning about love in a school setting. Boy, was this an interesting experience. In this section we focused on what love is, how people select their partners, and differences between cohabitation and marriage. I'll admit that though I clearly will wait until I'm married to live with someone, I thought the research might show that a different start would produce a more satisfying marriage. I found it really intriguing that those who live in cohabitation have a harder time adjusting to marriage because they lead parallel lives when cohabitating and cannot become "one" as easily after marriage--God really does know what he's talking about. I also found it interesting the different things that go into selecting a life partner. Our textbook focused on what attracts us to people and why people get married. Surprisingly they said that love isn't the biggest reason (though people mistake it to be the only reason). Things such as money, similarity to our families, and close proximity were all reasons for selecting someone--though they may be subconscious. We like what we're comfortable with and thus we seek to find someone who fits into our mold. We also have a very limited pool of people to choose from--though the internet has opened this up quite a bit. 

After this section, I realized that love isn't what we typically may think of and that it can be very hard to define. But, falling in love isn't all we need in order to have a successful and fulfilling marriage. I think love comes with time and grows deeper as we get to know someone more and more. What a beautiful thing!

The Role of your Gender

It always is extremely intriguing to me to learn about gender roles and how that affects things. I must admit, reading our textbook about how females tend to ask a lot of questions and such was somewhat comforting! I thought I was broken since I ask literally a billion questions...apparently I'm normal :) I think it's really cool to learn about genders and how that helps us to understand those around us more. It sure opens my eyes, at least. It was interesting to talk about what we're born with and what society makes us into and the different things that are considered masculine and feminine.
I think the most beneficial thing I have learned about this week is about Same-gender attraction. We learned about different studies that have been done and watched an interview of my professor and he explained the difference between same-gender attraction, homosexual, and gay. He talked about how these feelings come about. Mainly he said that it all starts when a boy (we focused on boys) is different from the other boys--maybe he is more creative or sensitive and doesn't really like the same things the other boys do. The boys then tend to push him out and not let him be a part of the group. He then finds that the girls will accept him and like doing some of the same things. Sometimes the boys even make fun of him.
It then gets to the point when boys start to notice girls and girls start to notice boys. This boy already has been around the girls and knows what they're like. But he begins to wonder what it would be like to be "one of the guys" and how he wishes he could be closer to them and more a part of the group--this has absolutely nothing to do with sex. He just has a desire to be accepted and understand them more. At this point is is same-gender attraction because he wants to be more intimate with other boys (in a nonsexual way).
This turns into homosexual when a boy starts to imagine what it would be like to hug the guys or be more physical and they sexualize it. He also said that this almost always happens when a boy has been sexualized (molested, touched inappropriately, etc.) at a young age. People have been calling him gay and labeling him, and if his body reacted when a man was inappropriate with him, he thinks "well then maybe I am gay. It must be true."
This isn't something that we are just born with and have no control over. He suggested that if this is something you're struggling with, you have to get back to basics: think about who you really are--a son or daughter of God--and  what that means, pray and read your scriptures and so on. You also need to stop thinking about people of the same gender in a sexual way. We have the ability to control our thoughts and this is something we must do--homo and heterosexual alike.
I think it is so interesting how we have such an enormous impact on those around us. We must realize how the way we treat other people will affect them. When we understand that we all have different personalities and temperaments and qualities, we can accept them for who they are and not ostracize them for being different than we think they should be. We should be Christ-like and seek to become more like Him by loving and living as He does.

Society and the Family

This week we learned a lot about how society impacts the family and how the family impacts society. To be honest, I never really thought about how social class or our cultural background affect how our families are. We talked about how those in the lower social class can have some serious family problems, but then again so can those in the upper class. We concluded that it isn't as much about how much money you have, but rather how much focus on money you have. We must keep our focus on our Savior, Jesus Christ, and on our families.
We also read about a study done on Mexican immigrant families. I never realized how taxing that would be on a family. They are torn out of their network with their extended family and many of the roles played in the family system are disrupted.--forcing members of the family to take on new roles. A lot of tension is created when this happens and gaps grow wider between generations. It's really eye-opening to see how many different things affect the family, no wonder families are suffering so much today.
I just find it so interesting to learn about culture and how the culture of your family is different than other families. I think it's important to recognize these things so that we can be aware and make changes in our families to better the lives of our children and our family as a whole.

This week has been so interesting! I've been learning about different theories about the family. It really amazes me how learning about how families work, better enables me to be successful in relationships. The three theories that stood out to me were the Family Systems Theory, the Exchange Theory, and the Symbolic Interaction Theory.
The Family Systems theory explains how each family member has a role in the family and that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. What each family member decides to do affects the entire family. This theory also encompasses the idea that families are made of spoken and unspoken rules. When family members "break" the unspoken rules, the family pushes back to bring the family back to the homeostatic state. This is really interesting because we have to be aware of the rules that we are placing in our families, and that sometimes these rules are having negative effects. Unspoken rules can also contradict each other and thus, family members cannot do right. What role do you play in your family and what types of unspoken rules do you have?
The Exchange Theory is the idea that there is give-and-take in relationships. We want to keep our costs lower than our rewards. When a relationship is costing you more than you're receiving in return, we often cut those relationships out of our lives. This is an interesting idea, but I think we need to realize that relationships take a lot of work and sacrifice.
The Symbolic Interaction Theory was extremely eye-opening to me! This one talks about how our perceptions are based on interactions and how we perceive them differently than perhaps others intended. I realized that I often assume that interactions with people mean one thing, when it can mean something entirely different to the other person. A girl in my class shared a story about the first few years of her parent's marriage. Her dad would get up before her mom and leave for work. When she'd wake up, she noticed all the drawers would be open. This drove in crazy! Finally she confronted her husband about it and asked why he kept doing this just to bug her. Her husband replied, "I'm sorry honey! I just didn't want to close the drawers and have them wake you up in the morning so I just left them open." How cute! Sometimes we think people are doing things just to bug us or because they don't care, but in reality they are trying to be kind. My professor also told us that after 20 something years of marriage his wife told him that she really hated when he did the dishes without being asked--I certainly wouldn't be complaining about that! But apparently, to her it felt like he was saying that she wasn't doing a good enough job so he was just going to take care of it. It's really interesting when you start realizing how people can interpret interactions differently. This has really helped me this past week to understand that just because people interact differently than I do, doesn't mean they don't care or they are being rude.
Have any of you noticed these theories working in your life? I'd love to hear!
It's been another great week learning and I'm excited for more! :)

The first few weeks of starting out my Marriage and Family Studies degree have been quite interesting! I am amazed at how much I can learn in such a short amount of time. So far in my Family Relations class I've learned a lot about trends in the family and how that can affect society as a whole. It never occurred to me how trends involving the family are changing and how the decisions you make regarding the makeup of your family affect others. One of the trends that stuck out to me the most was that the number of working mothers with children under the age of six is increasing. It's crazy to me that so many children who are yet to be in school, already have to have their mother removed for a good portion of their day. I think children can greatly benefit from having their mother around to nurture and care for them; I realize this isn't always an option, but I think when we make an effort to make our families and homes a top priority, God will bless us and open doors in ways we never thought possible.
Another thing that was brought to my attention this week was that it is our responsibility to create a home environment to raise children to come to know Christ. When we choose not to have children or to have very few children, those who could have been blessed with a Spirit-filled home, must go somewhere else. I want to do my best to walk beside my children, helping them to learn principles that bring them closer to our Lord and help them reach their potential. It is our sacred duty to keep families strong and not to get caught up in the ways of the world. Satan is working very hard to destroy the family because he will never have one. Keep your family close and realize what a blessing they are!
I'm excited to learn more and see how I can prepare to have a successful and happy family of my own!

Shanari Baird: The world's greatest best friend!

To start things off, life can be really, really hard, as I am sure many are brutally aware. Lately I have realized that I am deeply struggling with the fact that I have no idea where I am going in life. Simple as it may seem, not having a destination can do things to a girl. You wouldn't think it was that big of a deal, but the endless questions of "what do you want to study", "what is your dream job" and so on, are really starting to weigh me down. I feel like I am so young and naive and completely lost. I'm in an open field with paths leading in numberless directions and I am sitting in the middle of it, having NO idea where I want to go. That really bothers me. How am I ever supposed to get there if I don't know where I'm going? The paths are all so daunting and I feel small, insignificant and misplaced. I look around and see people everywhere, determined as they walk briskly and effortlessly on a chosen path to some tangible, known destination. They continue to move and progress while I seem to become invisible and lonely--wanting to move forward but not knowing which way to go. I try to have faith and patience and trust that Heavenly Father has a plan for me--that everything will work out--but sometimes it just brings me down that everyone around me seems to be so in control of their lives and I'm sitting here, waiting to figure out where I want to go. I desperately hope that soon enough I'll figure out who I am and where I am going in life. Is it normal for me to be so lost at this point in my life? Is it unusual that this lack of knowledge is bothering me so much? Because it honestly is making me crazy; my mood is oscillating and I can't seem to control it. I just need something stable in my life, something that is constant, something that I know where I'm going with it.

A best friend: someone that builds you up when you're at your lowest of lows. One that stay by your side no matter what. A person that makes you better. That one that you can go to with no reservation or fear.

Shanari: consistency, surety, strength. 

Shanari Ann Baird is the most incredible best friend out there! I have to express how truly blessed I am. It is amazing how much she is able to lift my mood and make me realize my worth with a simple phone call--even when she is struggling herself. I never cease to be amazed by how truly beautiful this wonderful woman is. She sets such a great example for me and really helps me to see what I want to be like. I'm really impressed at how much she lets those around her know that they are cared for. It has been really crazy and somewhat difficult being back home, but I cannot stress enough how wonderful and natural it feels to finally get to see this best friend of mine again. She is one that I know will understand what I am feeling and the trials I'm facing. I know I can always count on her to build me up and give me hope. I'm so incredibly grateful that after all these years, we can still go to one another and feel just as close. This girl is truly amazing and I couldn't be more blessed with a best friend. Shanari, I love you so much! This is the girl that when I think of her, I know where we're going. We will never stop being friends through whatever changes come in life. She is the constant that I need and today I couldn't love her any more. 

I hope that you, too, are blessed with a best friend like I am. When times are chaotic and you can't seem to find your footing, I hope you can go to your best friend and find balance. I know that even though I'm frustrated with my lack of a destination in life right now, at least I am on this journey with my very best friend and wouldn't have it any other way. 

Visiting Teaching: Truly Inspired

I cannot even begin to express how full my heart is today. The Sabbath is such a wonderful day. I was blessed to have an incredible Sacrament meeting where I was uplifted and was able to partake of the Sacrament--renewing my covenants with my Father in Heaven. The rest of church was also especially great.

Today I also had the chance to go visit two incredible daughters of God--Leah and McKinzie--with my wonderful visiting teaching companion, Alley. It is remarkable how my spirits can be lifted even higher from the very beginning. These three girls are some seriously magnificent women and I am truly blessed to be able to interact with them. Their positive attitudes and their love for the Savior never cease to impress me and make me want to be better.

Relief Society is seriously incredible. All these women come together, and through their love of God, are able to be lifted and find the strength to carry not only their own burdens, but the burdens of those around them. Such strength and comfort comes from knowing there is such an immense amount of love with those women, and I feel truly blessed to be a part of it. I love how beautiful each and every woman is when they look to the Savior and try to emulate His life.

We each have a role to play in this life; our roles are big and small, but each is extremely vital. Together we have the chance to lift and fortify every person that we come in contact with.

Today I have been reminded of my responsibility to help others to come to know Christ and I hope that in some small way I can help those I interact with to feel of the love that their Savior and Father have for them.

I am so grateful to be a woman, in this church, at this time, and have the chance to know such wonderful people.

Christ lives! And He loves you, in a way that you cannot begin to imagine. Go out and remember how blessed you are; see the beauty in those around you and lift them up! It is a wonderful day, today. We are so very blessed!

The Lord is in my life

The past few days I've started to realized how truly blessed I am. Life is not easy with the stress of school, troubles with family, and mistakes I make; but as I look at the world that surrounds me, the simplest things blow my mind.

Friday I spent most of the day at my sister's house doing laundry and such. She used my car and drove me to class; it was one of the most beautiful days I've seen in Rexburg.

As I got out of class I waited on the sidewalk corner, enjoying the brilliant sun kissing my skin. I waited. I began to wonder if she was ever coming to get me. 20 minutes passed. If it had been any other day I would have been a little annoyed, but I was silently enjoying the wonderful weather and the warming sun. Although the day was lovely, I began to feel lonely as I was enjoying it all on my own. I then saw my brother-in-law, Garn, crossing the street toward me. Apparently he always takes a different path to class, but he told me he had a prompting to walk this way and there I was. It was so small, but I was amazed that God prompted Garn to come to see me, and especially amazed that Garn would follow such a small, seemingly unimportant, prompting. What a great example he is!

I was then blessed to go to a wonderful concert with Kyle and feel the spirit of the Lord through music. What a wonderful gift! The power of music is incredible.
Saturday promised to show me the hand of the Lord even more. My uncle George and cousins, Jesika and Emalee, came to Rexburg and I had the opportunity to go do baptisms with them; wow, it had been too long since I had been there. In the beginning things were a little crazy and the hustle and bustle had me finding it difficult to focus on the spirit. But, as things got settled I could feel the warmth of the precious companionship. I was reading through the Ensign and was enjoying it but still felt like I needed something different. My eye was caught by an article in the Ensign my cousin was reading entitled "Forgiving Thyself" as she flipped through the pages. When she went to put the Ensign down I knew I needed to look through it--thinking I needed that forgiveness article. I started at the beginning and read the articles that seemed to stand out to me. I came to one entitled "Joshua's Walls" and began to pass by it, not seeming interested. As I turned the page something told me that it could be interesting. I'm sad to say that I hesitated and continued to turn the pages. The thought again came into my head. I reluctantly decided to turn back and read it.

I can not even explain how perfect this article was for me. I was filled with love and peace and felt I needed to share it with one of my sisters. My eyes began to fill with tears as I realized how aware my Savior is of me. I absolutely love the temple and the inspiration I can find there.

As the day went on I thought more and more about the world around me. I played in a Black Light Volleyball tournament and the smallest things amaze me. Our eyes adjust so perfectly to changes in light; we can jump and run and play sports; we laugh and love and grow. Our bodies are truly amazing. I am set at awe with how perfectly God created us. I need to be more grateful for the body that I have been blessed with.

After the tournament Kyle and I went up to this church where you can see over Rexburg. I LOVE CITY LIGHTS! It was breathtaking. Even the chilling breeze making me shiver, and crazy drivers bringing the smell of burning rubber to my nose could not drown out the beauty of the stars, the city lights, and the joy of a wonderful boy being at my side. I wanted to just stop time and continue to be in that moment forever.

This world truly amazes me. So many different things allow me to see the hand of the Lord and His incredible creations. I am so incredibly blessed just to be a part of this world.

And now, I am blessed with a wonderful Sabbath day where I can turn to the Lord and partake of His Sacrament and be filled with His loving Spirit. I live in a wonderful town, go to a great school, and have such immense beauty surrounding me.

Today I am so very grateful that my Father is aware of me and makes Himself known in my life.